depraved indifference

I just saw this video on Linny's blog...I know I steal from her a lot but her heart is for the orphan and so is mine! Please take 8 minutes of your days and watch this...

inexpensive etsy 14

It's been a while since I have done an inexpensive etsy...mostly because we are trying to be a lot more budget conscious and etsy does not help that cause at all! But some friends have recently turned me on to some SUPER cute adoption stuff on there! Oh budget, I am sorry in advance.

Check out this adorable shirt dress from thenewpregnant with the best adoption catch phrase I have heard yet: "Adoption is the new pregnant." How stinkin cute? I'll take a small please.

And for the daddy's!

And I am just in love with the message this sweet little print from barkingbirdart sends:

And lastly there is this gorgeous necklace from cinnamonsticks with part of a poem that is near and dear to my heart.

Not flesh of my flesh,
Nor bone of my bone,
but still miraculously my own.
Never forget for a single minute;
You didn't grow under my heart
but in it.
- Author unknown

coolness factor

reach in, reach out, reach up would like to pause the regularly scheduled programming for you to scroll to the bottom of this site. Please find the meter entitled "this is how cool i am." (Yes, I judge my coolness on how many pageviews I get. What's your meter?)

Please scroll now.

HOW COOL AM I? Over 10,000...pretty cool I'd say ;)

greater than the universe

I love John Piper.


I am breaking all kind of bloggy rules with this one! Combining two awards in one!!! And more rule breaking to come...

According to Ms. Ginger at Just Trying to be a Proverbs 31 Woman I have style! She just gave me the

And Stephanie at Infertile in a Fertile World has decided to give me the most originally named award...

Color me honored! I am definitely not as well put together as some fancy shmancy bloggers with my DIY header and such, but I am flattered just the same. Here is how you play:

1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you this award. check!

2. Share 7 things about yourself. see below

3. Award 15 recently discovered great bloggers. hmmmm...

4. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award! i'm working on it...

My 7 per the guidelines!
uno. I have a heart for missions. Read about that here and here!
dos. I like to "speak" Spanish. I am not even close to fluency, but I'm hoping osmosis will do the trick.
tres.  I love Jesus a whole lot, and I am pretty stoked that he loves me back.
cuatro. I had to look up how to spell that. I wanted to use q...
cinco. My studmuffin husband is my best friend. 
seis. (I knew how to spell that one.) I have been blessed with, truly, the best of friends. 
siete. Last may know this already but I am what some people like to refer to as "pint-sized." Yes I am a whopping 5' tall. Someone once told me that what I lack in height I make up for in personality. I'm still chewing on that one...

15 5 bloggers I think are pretty stylish and I lurve
1. Life as Two
2. Waiting for Something Beautiful
3. Finding Sunshine
4. Clay in His Hands
5. MissyMom in Madrid

Am I kicked out of blog world now?

waiting room

No commentary needed on this one's all explained in black and white.


"Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things." - Philippians 4:8

the moments

First, welcome iclw!

If you met me in real life, I don't think you would see the same person that you have met on this blog. In fact I believe that is true for any blogger. You only reveal that which you choose to reveal in writing and yes, some of my personality comes out in my word usage, the over abundance of dashes, my run on sentences and use of quotations in totally ridiculous situations. (My English-loving friends are all nodding their heads now. They are adding to the list all of my grammatical mistakes and mishaps. I know who you are.)

I like my blog for that reason. I don't ever lie to you, but I have never revealed every aspect of me. I don't plan to either, some things are just for me and God and that is ok. You all know a whole lot more about our struggles with infertility that most of the people I meet in real life. It's not because I don't talk about it, I do. However, I don't want to be a burden on people. I don't want infertility to define me. I don't want that to be the first thing that people think when Heather pops into their head. "Oh Heather, that girl who can't get pregnant."

Um, no thanks.

So I come here and vent talk about it for a lot of reasons.

Because I can.
Because I don't feel judged.
Because if I am judged I don't know it/I brush it off.
Because I do want people to be aware of what infertility is and how they can help.
Because it is going to come out one way or another and I'd rather word vomit here than on some unsuspecting and innocent party in the real world.

There are many more. What I really want to talk about today is the moments. That's what I call them. They are awkward...for me and for others. They are uncomfortable. They come out of nowhere. They are random and come at the most inopportune times. They are fleeting, thank you Jesus.

...being checked out at Wal-Mart by a 12 months pregnant cashier
...holding my niece/nephew announcement that was expected announcement that wasn't expected unmarried high school friend's baby bump album on facebook
...watching my husband holding a new little one
...watching my husband watch me hold a new little one

These are the moments that make me lose myself in a sea of grief. It doesn't usually last long and I have become a pro at not losing it in front of people (most of the time). I can usually make it home, crawl in bed and cry - hard - for just a few minutes.

99% of the time I am really ok with where we are on this whole pregnancy/becoming parents/adopting thing, but it's that 1% of the time that I am not ok that I turn here or to HP. It's not because my friends aren't supportive or don't love me or my husband just doesn't get it. It's because I don't want to be selfish. I don't want my life to be all about me, my sorrows, my troubles, my my my...

Please don't hear me say I don't go to God. He is the FIRST one I run to, cry out to, yell at, find comfort in and the list goes on. But God did not design us to be alone in this, he has given us relationships with people. The point of those relationships is to glorify him, first and foremost. I am not bringing glory to God by constantly burdening my friends with the parts of me they can never understand. And I don't just want to "put on a happy face" for them, I want to be real and honest about who I am and what I struggle with just like I want them to be with me. I don't lie when they ask me how I am doing, but sometimes it is best to not reveal everything I am thinking in that moment...kind of like how I treat this blog. I am going to mess this up but, I would much rather err on the side of too much giving in a relationship rather than too much taking.

"Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves" - Philippians 2:3

But I need places to go for my moments of weakness without making others feel bad about the joys in their own life. So I will continue to pour my heart out (at least the parts I want you to see) here and with my HP girls.

I don't like the moments because they are painful and uncomfortable, but they teach me dependence on the One who holds me close, a lesson I need to learn over and over again...

The righteous cry, and the LORD hears and delivers them out of all their troubles." - Psalm 34:17


we fail here

"All the believers were one in heart and mind. No one claimed that any of their possessions was their own, but they shared everything they had." - Acts 4:32

truth from a cartoon fish

Marlin: I promised I'd never let anything happen to him.
Dory: Hmm. That's a funny thing to promise.
Marlin: What?
Dory: Well, you can't never let anything happen to him. Then nothing would ever happen to him. Not much fun for little Harpo.

when missions and adoption meet

Are you tired of these updates that are really non-updates?

Me too.

But I said that I would document the whole adoption process so here goes. We had finished our paperwork when the whole Eric-is-no-longer-employed-thing took place. We decided not to tell our social worker anything until some time had passed and we had a plan of action. God moved big-time and you can read all about that here, so I contacted our social worker and asked what we needed to re-do. Luckily it's just the financial form along with three pay stubs from his new job. We can turn those in as we get them.

In the past couple weeks I have received a lot of affirmation from God through people in my life. And a lot of encouragement, which I desperately needed. Sometimes it seems as though there is no light at the end of this adoption tunnel, but I know that isn't true.

I mentioned before a while back that I am going on another mission trip. This time it is to Honduras! I met with my friend Anna who lived their for almost a year to go over the logistics of the trip, since it's only a few weeks away! I learned that while we are there we will visit the orphanage that she lived/worked at to play with the kids.

An orphanage. Beautiful little children that want nothing more than a permanent place to call home, filled with people that love them unconditionally.

Permanent home? check.
Unconditional love to give? check.
A way to bring these children home now? unfortunately, no.

My heart is already breaking for these precious souls. I honestly don't know how I will tear myself away from them at the end of the day. Anna will have to drag me kicking and screaming. That's probably not an exaggeration.

You are probably going to hear more than you ever wanted to from me about the Honduran children that I couldn't bring back with me. I am coveting your prayers that I can hold myself together for these kids, and all the other people we will be serving while we are in Honduras. My main goal is to be the hands and feet of God while I am there.

I'll be back soon with more on what we will actually be doing in Honduras!

champion, top dog, victor...

...all synonyms for winner!

Do a happy dance...


You have just won a free copy of Francis Chan's Crazy Love. It will not disappoint, my dear. PS - you are obligated to come back later after you have read it and tell us all what you thought! If you could email me and give me your mailing address per the guidelines I would be much obliged...and so would you!

For all of you left crying and feeling left out, don't worry! I definitely plan on doing more of these! Maybe to celebrate St. Patty's Day?  Or Adopt a Rescued Rabbit Month? Oh yeah, it's a real thing.

mbm - exponentially increased faith

Click here to learn more about MBM!

 Read this post first, if you haven't already and don't know about Eric's job loss.

What I am about to share with you is overdue, but it has honestly taken me this long to process it all. This is the story of two unsuspecting people, one significant life situation, and one very big very loving God.

Eric has a job.

But not just any job that had to take to make ends meet. He has a job that he is planning his career around, that exceeds our financial needs, that he loves more than me and bacon on most days, that is owned and operated by Christian men, and the list could s-e-r-i-o-u-s-l-y go on. Let me break it down for you this way (bear in mind the state of our economy and the fact that many many many people in the US have downgraded from career-search, to job-search, to whateverpaysthebills-search)

- Eric was "unemployed" for approximately 3 weeks.
- I say "unemployed" because our church hired him to do odd jobs the day after he was fired.
- In the span of those 3 short weeks he had 5 interviews.
- He had not one but 2 job offers.
- Both were for significantly more salary than his previous job.
- Our bank account didn't dwindle away or even stay the same during his unemployment, it grew.
- The company (Merge) that he decided on is absolutely amazing and I have never seen my husband happier.
- Did I mention that this company sought him out?
- Oh and that he was hired the week of Christmas?
- Ohhhh yeah and that this company's first mission statement is, and I quote,

"We exist to glorify God. We believe God is above all else and is worthy of all praise and can and should be glorified through work. We believe He is the reason Merge exists, is sustained, and prospers."

Ummmm, hello? I just don't know how any one in the entire world could EVER chalk each and every one of those bullet points up to "fate" or "the universes aligning" or whatever other cop outs reasons people come up with to deny the one true living God!

Our God is big!
He is gracious!
He is a provider!
He is able to do exceedingly abudantly above our wildest imaginations!
He takes care of his children in their times of need!

I am still in shock. And you may not believe this next part, but I won't lie to you I promise. 

I never once panicked. Ok, for about an hour after Eric called me with the bad news I did, but during the rest of the three weeks I didn't. I had this insane peace (you know, the one that passes all understanding?) the whole time. (I can't speak for my darling husband on this, however.) I always knew God would come through, that he would provide. That doesn't mean I wasn't worried or afraid at times, but it does mean that I was willing and ready to give him the glory from day one and now I CAN! I just didn't know he would show up in such a miraculous way. 

Friends, I hope our story can impact/encourage you the way it did for us. If HE is for us WHO could be against us?

pretty white stuff

We don't get a whole lot of this powdery, cold, white, floating stuff we all know to be snow. It's a treat where we live, mostly because it forces people to stay home and enjoy family. Which is exactly my gorgeous love and I are doing today with our two fur children. You will not see Maggie in any of the gratuitous pictures below, however, because if you were to read her title to the left you would realize that she is spending the day curled up on the couch being lazy. It's basically the only thing she is good for.

pssssssssss - there is still time to enter the great giveaway!

we will look like this

One of the most exciting things to me about adoption is the fact that we are breaking the mold for what families usually look like in America. There is nothing wrong with the blonde haired, blue eyed family, please don't hear me say that. In fact, my gorgeous husband is a tow head with beautiful baby blues. He is also whiter than an ipod in the snow. I, on the other hand, being of lebanese descent have dark brown eyes, so-dark-it-could-be-black-but-it's-brown hair, and skin that boasts an olive tone in the dead of winter. Don't even ask what I look like in the summer. It's funny though, most people wouldn't recognize us as a multiracial couple, but we are.

Some would say in the looks department that we are polar opposites, and they would be correct. And I love that. He is the Ken Doll to my Princess Jasmine.

And we want an African American baby. Not that we specified, we are open to any race and any gender. We don't discrima-hate. Since we are doing foster-to-adopt the likelihood of us getting a child of a color that doesn't match either of ours is significant. SCORE!

Oh and we don't just plan on stopping with one domestic adoption. No, I have always wanted a Chinese baby. Ask my mom!

I don't just have my heart set on China either...I want to keep the ball rolling. I would love one from every country! Eric has tried to convince me that one from every continent would be plenty but I haven't fallen for it yet.

People are beautiful. God has made us all so different and unique and I am just obsessed with how beautiful other cultures are. I can't wait to take family pictures like these:

Too bad we don't live in Oregon because she does free portrait sessions for adopting families! And her name is Heather! It just doesn't get much better than that. 
Right now it's still a dream, but I know one day pictures like these will be my reality.


Come undone
Surrender is stronger

well that stings a little

"Both worry and stress reek of arrogance. Worry implies that we don’t quite trust that God is big enough, powerful enough or loving enough to take care of what’s happening in our lives. Stress says that the things we are involved in are important enough to merit our impatience, our lack of grace towards others, or our tight grip of control." - Francis Chan, Crazy Love

psssst: you still have time to enter the big giveaway...

psssst again: my hot husband is famous...


Because of this comment:

Thelma said...
Well shoot... I'm the 50th follower and I'm not even eligible. :(
 And this rule:

1. Eligibility. Giveaways are open to readers with US shipping addresses only, unless otherwise stated.

I am now including this amendment:

1. Eligibility. Giveaways are open to readers with US and CANADIAN, eh? shipping addresses only, unless otherwise stated.

You are welcome Thelma. And Canada!

i am bigtime

Well it has finally happened, (don't get all adoptionexcited here, it's not that yet!) my little blog/ventlet has reached a whopping 50 followers! And you know what that means for you!?!?

It really didn't take me long to decide what to giveaway either. I know you all thought it was a huge toss up when I threw that old chewed gum into the mix. So I went with something a little more practical and a lot more life changing than gum. I am going to give one uber lucky reader:

Crazy Love by Francis Chan. I have talked about this book before and I actually read it almost a year ago. It isn't a super-new-hot-off-the-press book, but it is a life changer. I am getting ready to reread it pretty soon as well. I had to put it down several times (especially in Chapter 4) and pray and meditate on all that God was revealing to me. I don't plug many books on my blog but it isn't because I don't read them, although I never want a book to be a substitute for the Word of God, it is because none of them affect me like scripture. Chan has packed scripture into every inch of this book and I truly believe he was led by the Holy Spirit when he wrote it. I hope you gain as much perspective out of it as I did.

Now for the fun part!

Rules for my very first of many? giveaway:

1. Eligibility. Giveaways are open to readers with US shipping addresses only, unless otherwise stated.
2. How to Enter. Please leave one comment on THIS post! And just for fun tell me your favorite book, fiction/nonfiction (yes Taylor I know the difference) Christian or not I won't judge...much.
3. Disclaimer. I'm sorry, but I can't be held responsible if you are too lazy/lost internet/got malaria and couldn't get to your computer before the stated deadline to comment. Your bad.
4. Entry Deadline Date. All entries for giveaways through this blog must be received within 7 days of the original post date.
6. Winner Selection. I'm gonna use so it ain't up to me folks! Although bribery is permitted.  A little. I like chocolate. 
7. Winner Notification. I'll let you know if you are the big winner-winner-chicken-dinner within three days after the official deadline.
8. Claiming Your Prize. Once I let you know you are the winner, you gotta respond to me in a timely manner (read: three days) with your name and address so I can get you your swag! If you don't we repeat this whole shindig again on and a NEW and more WORTHY winner will be selected. Don't make me do this people!

Now get to commenting!!!

no looking back

"Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. " - Phillipians 3:13-14

one year

This is the day, the one I thought would never come.
The one I never imagined my little ticker would or could reach.
The one that makes me even sadder than the anniversary of Eric and I trying to conceive.

This day is the one that marks exactly one year since we started the ball rolling on our adoption.
One year of classes and paperwork.
One year and still no homestudy or inspections.

One year of waiting for my precious little child(ren) to come to their forever home.

If you have been reading my random thoughts and journey for any length of time you know that I am no good at waiting. I am especially no good at waiting when there is no definite end in sight.

We ask so so so many questions that have no answers, or answers that are not revealed to us yet...

Why is it taking so long?
When will our homestudy be set up? Approved?
What are our kids doing right now? Are they hungry? Cold? Abused?
We have waited for over two years for a pregnancy and have pretty much given that up in hopes of adoption...was that a bad decision? Did we not hear from you correctly on that Lord?
Did we jump ahead of Your plan?
Are we not in Your will?
Are we just trying to fulfill our selfish desire to become parents any way we can?

Hard questions. Ones I know I shouldn't even be asking. Of course we heard from God. We prayed for an entire month before making the decision to stop fertility treatments and start the adoption process. We know we are on the right track.

Then why do we keep watching from the sidelines while others get to go in for the big game? What string are we on the team that we have to wait this long? 3rd? 5th? Everyone knows they almost never get to play.

I have never sugar coated things for you all. I think you deserve to see a real person. As Christians we like to pretend that we "have it all together" when the exact opposite is true.

I don't have it all together. There are days when my grief over not being a mom yet is absolutely crippling...and I am not ashamed to admit that. Not to you, and most importantly not to God. My faith in Him is the ONLY thing that gets me through. And hear me when I say "gets me through"...what I really mean is the Holy Spirit drags me kicking and screaming out of what could very well be a deep well of depression with no way out.

God refuses to leave me like that.

No, He wants more for my life than that. I know I have more work to do for His kingdom and He is not through with me yet. Not by a long shot.

I guess what I am trying to say is that it is ok to question God. Heck, it is our very nature to question Him. I know He would much rather me be yelling and screaming at Him and begging "why" than refusing to communicate at all.

That is when things get scary. Eric and I can not do this thing on our own. We need the body of Christ (like this friend and this friend) to lift us up in prayer. We need our Lord and Saviour to be our everlasting hope of glory.

I will be a mom one day. I don't know if it will be in one more month or one more year. What I do know is one day I am going to look back on this time in my life and PRAISE GOD for everything that he has done! I don't understand it all now, but that is the beauty of trust: I don't have to.

"Now I rejoice in what I am suffering for you, and I fill up in my flesh what is still lacking in regard to Christ’s afflictions, for the sake of his body, which is the church. I have become its servant by the commission God gave me to present to you the word of God in its fullness— the mystery that has been kept hidden for ages and generations, but is now disclosed to the Lord’s people. To them God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory. He is the one we proclaim, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone fully mature in Christ. To this end I strenuously contend with all the energy Christ so powerfully works in me." - Colossions 1:24-29