the moments

First, welcome iclw!

If you met me in real life, I don't think you would see the same person that you have met on this blog. In fact I believe that is true for any blogger. You only reveal that which you choose to reveal in writing and yes, some of my personality comes out in my word usage, the over abundance of dashes, my run on sentences and use of quotations in totally ridiculous situations. (My English-loving friends are all nodding their heads now. They are adding to the list all of my grammatical mistakes and mishaps. I know who you are.)

I like my blog for that reason. I don't ever lie to you, but I have never revealed every aspect of me. I don't plan to either, some things are just for me and God and that is ok. You all know a whole lot more about our struggles with infertility that most of the people I meet in real life. It's not because I don't talk about it, I do. However, I don't want to be a burden on people. I don't want infertility to define me. I don't want that to be the first thing that people think when Heather pops into their head. "Oh Heather, that girl who can't get pregnant."

Um, no thanks.

So I come here and vent talk about it for a lot of reasons.

Because I can.
Because I don't feel judged.
Because if I am judged I don't know it/I brush it off.
Because I do want people to be aware of what infertility is and how they can help.
Because it is going to come out one way or another and I'd rather word vomit here than on some unsuspecting and innocent party in the real world.

There are many more. What I really want to talk about today is the moments. That's what I call them. They are awkward...for me and for others. They are uncomfortable. They come out of nowhere. They are random and come at the most inopportune times. They are fleeting, thank you Jesus.

...being checked out at Wal-Mart by a 12 months pregnant cashier
...holding my niece/nephew
...an announcement that was expected
...an announcement that wasn't expected
...an unmarried high school friend's baby bump album on facebook
...watching my husband holding a new little one
...watching my husband watch me hold a new little one

These are the moments that make me lose myself in a sea of grief. It doesn't usually last long and I have become a pro at not losing it in front of people (most of the time). I can usually make it home, crawl in bed and cry - hard - for just a few minutes.

99% of the time I am really ok with where we are on this whole pregnancy/becoming parents/adopting thing, but it's that 1% of the time that I am not ok that I turn here or to HP. It's not because my friends aren't supportive or don't love me or my husband just doesn't get it. It's because I don't want to be selfish. I don't want my life to be all about me, my sorrows, my troubles, my my my...

Please don't hear me say I don't go to God. He is the FIRST one I run to, cry out to, yell at, find comfort in and the list goes on. But God did not design us to be alone in this, he has given us relationships with people. The point of those relationships is to glorify him, first and foremost. I am not bringing glory to God by constantly burdening my friends with the parts of me they can never understand. And I don't just want to "put on a happy face" for them, I want to be real and honest about who I am and what I struggle with just like I want them to be with me. I don't lie when they ask me how I am doing, but sometimes it is best to not reveal everything I am thinking in that moment...kind of like how I treat this blog. I am going to mess this up but, I would much rather err on the side of too much giving in a relationship rather than too much taking.

"Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves" - Philippians 2:3

But I need places to go for my moments of weakness without making others feel bad about the joys in their own life. So I will continue to pour my heart out (at least the parts I want you to see) here and with my HP girls.

I don't like the moments because they are painful and uncomfortable, but they teach me dependence on the One who holds me close, a lesson I need to learn over and over again...

The righteous cry, and the LORD hears and delivers them out of all their troubles." - Psalm 34:17

 

14 comments:

  1. I understand, and i feel just the way that you do. I word-vomited on my own blog yesterday.

    Almost 13 years on this journey for us...

    Praying for you.

    C.C.

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  2. Heather, I love your blog and your honesty and you. I would really love to give you a hug right now. I have had so many of those "moments". The worst was Mother's day in a small baptist church full of older members. I had just had a miscarriage and I was the ONLY woman in the entire church who couldn't stand when they recognized mothers. I felt like God had completely forgotten me in that "moment".

    Hang in there, because He didn't... and He doesn't! He sees your mama's heart. One thing I know from experience - when you can't just get pregnant as soon as you want, you love your children much more. I know everyone loves their kids, but when they are GRACE babies born of impossibility and God's lavished love, you just hold them closer.

    I can't wait to see pictures of your good moments when God places your baby in your arms.

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  3. I love my blog for those reasons too. It's such a great thing to be able to express oneself like this.

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  4. I'm so glad you have the blog to unload on. I...honestly I don't know what to say or how to express all I wish for you. I love you.

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  5. Having this community to vent to has been invaluable. I'm glad yours helps you out so much.

    ICLW #59

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  6. I can relate to so much of what you have expressed in this post. My motivations for blogging are the same as yours- so I can get my thoughts out and share news with those who care and at the same time avoid awkward comments/questions that people ask when they don't have time to process/think first. I like that I can put it out there, and if someone wants to read it they can, but they don't have to. The only thing I wish is that mine and DH's parents were more understanding of this mode of communication. i would rather get it all out there, let people process, and then talk about it, ask questions, etc. Instead they feel like they always "might be the last to know." I wish they didn't feel that way. We are just beginning the adoption process and I look forward to reading more about your journey. Happy ICLW! :)

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  7. I get it. My infertility looks different. No hubby! I pray that once you hold your babies, your moments will fade into the background and there will be new, and joy-filled, moments for you. God is faithful.

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  8. Beautiful post. I get hit by those moments as well.

    ICW

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  9. You are beautifully and wonderfully created friend! Even in those moments you are perfect. I use my blog almost like a journal, just like you. It is pretty close to a necessity in my life, and I think it is for you too. We need to vent on others (besides our husbands and each other) once in a while. I love your blog for way more reasons that you listed :-)

    Lest just clarify though that you are never a burden, even if I don't understand 100%. Being there for you never makes me feel bad about my joys. Many of my joys come from our wonderful friendship.... the good moments and the bad ones. I love you! Your honesty is a trait that is rare and amazing!

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  10. Thanks for sharing your heart, Heather. I hate those "moments", too.

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  11. those moments still kill me and hurt so badly sometimes, heather...and even with my little guy home now, it still stings when i see a preggo or get an unexpected announcement, etc. and i think part of me will always hurt. IF is not just something that goes away...
    love you for sharing this so honestly, my friend.

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  12. I love reading your blog and have enjoyed getting to know you both here and on HP. :) Thanks for sharing your heart. Infertility gives us the chance to grow in ways that other people never have the chance to experience. No, it's not fun. But it can definitely make you a better person. I see that in you.

    Oh, and you're better with words than you give yourself credit for, too. ;)

    WV: fersiver

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Dear (stalkers) readers,
I love your feedback so feel free to comment away! Just don't write anything too mean because I'll cry when I delete it!
Sincerely,
You're boostin' my ego