sunday smorgasbord

1. I haven't blogged in a while, I'm sorry!
2. I am 11 weeks and 2 days today :)
3. I am not ready for Christmas. I haven't even thought about buying presents. Ugh.
4. I am ready for Thanksgiving. No presents, just good food and family and friends!
5. I have eager friends who would like to discuss baby names. My mind won't go there until I know a gender.
6. I am team blue all the way. Eric is not. Neither are most of my friends, haha!
7. I learned Saturday that I am a face painting BEAST.
8. I have so much laundry to do it's comical. As in, I laugh when I think about it.
9. My grandmother passed away the day after our ultrasound. I am still pretty devastated. More on that soon.
10. Sometimes you just need a good random brain dump post to kickstart your blogging again! (hint hint to some of my scarce bloggy friends!)
11. I AM SO IN LOVE WITH JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

what i don't believe in

I want to preface this post by saying I am so, so humbled and thankful for this pregnancy. I love this baby so very much and I wouldn't change any of this crazy ride even if I could. I know God has a reason for every minute detail of our lives, even when we don't understand his motives or timing.

Timing is what I am talking about today. I hadn't told you yet, in fact I had told very few people in real life of our plans. Eric and I decided to start the domestic infant adoption process. We chose an agency, filled out our preliminary paperwork, and scheduled our first meeting. We were also very excited about our new adventure! I have a saved post in drafts that I was writing to tell you all when I took the pregnancy test that changed our lives...again.

Hear me and hear me well, friends. I am NOT advocating the "just adopt and you will get pregnant" movement. Just so you know, that happens to less than 10% of the couples who choose adoption. It's a myth, pure and simple.

The other thing I want you to know...or maybe it's more for myself than anyone else...adoption is still my heart. Eric and I, God-willing, will adopt one day. I still don't know if it will be through foster care, domestic, or international. My heart is for the orphan and that will never change.

I won't lie, I have had moments of disappointment when I think about the fact that we are not able to adopt right now (most agencies, including the one we chose, do not allow adoption until 1 year after a child is born into the family). I am not disappointed that we are pregnant! I am not sad about growing a tiny little life inside of me, please know that. I think I am just struggling with God's timing in it all. We were so at peace and SO excited about adoption and BAM - a completely alternate route.

What I don't believe in: coincidence
What I do believe in: a sovereign God

That's really the heart of the matter, isn't it?

"To humans belong the plans of the heart, but from the LORD comes the proper answer of the tongue. All a person’s ways seem pure to them, but motives are weighed by the LORD. Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and he will establish your plans. The LORD works out everything to its proper end — even the wicked for a day of disaster." - Proverbs 16:1-4

back to basics

Or should I say back to what works?

I am back to blogger. Way too many issues with hosting when I made the switch. Eric has spent entirely too much time trying to fix stuff on mine and his, so we are both Official Forever Blogger Fans. That's the technical term.

You'll be happy to know that the blogroll people i stalk list is back and functioning. This system works better for me anyway. Can I just say that I hate RSS readers? Yup, I said it. It's true.

Here's to not fixin' what ain't broke!

the one about miracles

Where do I start? How do I tell you all about a miracle that I have been dreaming about writing forever? My first instinct is to come out and say it. My first instincts are never that good. Maybe I’ll just tell you a story.

You know the beginning of this story. You know, the story of a boy and girl who fell in love, got married, and couldn’t have babies. But God was sovereign.

You know some of the crazy turns this story has taken. The boy and the girl decide to adopt through foster care. It didn’t end well. In fact, it didn’t end at all. Almost two years later, they still aren’t certified. But God was bigger than their plans.

You know about the heartache they have endured. The boy and the girl learned of the little one growing inside her, only to lose that little one entirely too soon. But God was loving.

Now, there is a new little one growing inside her. This baby is perfectly formed with arms and legs and the most beautiful heartbeat the boy and girl had ever seen or heard. God is faithful.

I’m pregnant, dear friends. It is indeed a miracle. A very unexpected and much desired miracle. I have been processing this news for over two weeks now. It was two weeks of very intense anxiety and fear. You see, once you have experienced a loss, your innocence is taken. My first reaction upon learning of this new life was complete joy, followed very quickly by consuming fear. Fear that we would have to relive the nightmare of losing a child again.

I have the most incredible husband, family, and friends (both in my real life, and my Hannah girls) who were praying for me and our baby during those two weeks. I believe the Lord heard their prayers. Yesterday we had our first ultrasound. In the morning I woke up filled with dread, where was the hope I should have had? Where was God’s peace? I prayed…

“…I believe; help my unbelief!” – Mark 9:24b

I was literally shaking on the ultrasound table. Within moments, our precious baby was on the screen, wiggling away with a HEARTBEAT. A few moments later we heard that heartbeat for ourselves. That was the moment, for me. The moment I let go of fear and clung to hope. The moment I realized that the Lord really did bless us with not only a pregnancy, but a real live baby. Every emotion I felt dropped silently down my face in humble, grateful tears.

Friends, I am 8 weeks and 1 day today. Our baby has a
head, body, arms, legs, and a beautiful beating heart. I was very wary of posting here or facebook or anywhere else announcing our news, however, I have since learned of the absolute amazingness of the body of Christ. And, how loved Eric and I and our baby already are. I come here now, asking you to cover us in prayer. We are not naive, we know there is still a chance that we might not see this baby this side of heaven. We also know that we serve a big and mighty God.

“The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.” – Zephaniah 3:17

I have much more to share, but in order to use my words carefully and bring the most glory to God, I must split the next few posts up. The multiplicity of emotions is just overwhelming right now.

Be back soon, God bless.

i'm sorry

My blog was frozen.
I couldn’t access my account.
I couldn’t write any posts.
I lost all my followers and my comments.

But it’s ok.

As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good… – Genesis 50:20a

My precious husband has fixed the problem (we think) so I am back online! If you wouldn’t mind, following me again? I’m sorry, I hate to keep asking that. But, if you want to get updates via GoogleFriendConnect, it’s the only way! I don’t think you will have to re-add me to your RSS feeders or blog rolls though.

And you should be excited I am back! I have many things to share with you!!!