like clay

Sometimes I come here with no thoughts to put down, and other times I am bubbling over with ideas in my head that are trying to get is the latter.

I'm thinking about how much of a sinner I am
But also how I'll go days without admitting any of my sins to myself or God.
I'm thinking about my one word: serve
And how I'm failing miserably at it most of the time.
I'm praying about finances
But also relying on God to provide for us as he always has before.
I'm enjoying feeling my little girl make her presence know as I type
But worrying about what life will be like once she is here.
I'm questioning God's timing on adoption
But trusting that he knows better than me.
I'm feeling consumed by thoughts like "Are we doing enough for the Kingdom of God?"
And I know the answer is no, we can always do more!

The last one is the hardest for me. I constantly ask God, what do you expect from us? Are we fulfilling your plan for our lives today? I know my salvation isn't based on works, that isn't what I'm getting at. What I want is for my life to reflect Jesus in every.single.thing I do, and I am so not even close to that.

I think I am railing against becoming complacent.

I don't ever want to be satisfied in my own life to the point where I forget about others.

I see that becoming very easy for me. I am not a selfless person by nature. I tend to be very inward and mememe oriented, it's my flesh. These thoughts are probably more on my mind now that I am preparing to enter into another season of life. It's one that I have wanted for a very very long time, but it also scares me.

Motherhood. I am over the moon excited to be a mom. I am also crazy terrified. I am not scared of the sleeplessness, the amount of time and energy devoted to this little girl, the lack of one on one with my husband, or any of the other things that come with that territory. No, I may not be prepared for all of it, but I am ready.

What I am scared of is losing myself in a world of diapers and playdates and being just ok with that. I don't want to be ok with not serving others. I don't want to be fine with pulling back from people.

Lord, I pray that you would give me balance in the coming season. I pray that you would give me the strength to serve both my husband and my daughter, but also the desire to continue to grow your Kingdom. God I know that I honor you with my actions in my family, but I also know how easy it could be for me to stay in my comfort zone. Stretch me, use me, mold me to look more like Christ - no matter the season I am in.

This is the word that came to Jeremiah from the LORD: “Go down to the potter’s house, and there I will give you my message.” So I went down to the potter’s house, and I saw him working at the wheel. But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him.  Then the word of the LORD came to me. He said, “Can I not do with you, Israel, as this potter does?” declares the LORD. “Like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand, Israel. - Jeremiah 18:1-6