the most bittersweet day

Today is Mother's Day.

When we hear this phrase, every woman in the world immediately conjures up some image in their mind. For most, it is of their own mother and they are probably very happy memories.

There are also those who never knew their mother.
Those whose mother is no longer here on earth.
Adoptive parents who have a dichotomy of emotions while looking at their blessings.
Parents who have been paper pregnant for too long, or those with failed placements.
Women who have desired children for years and have not been able.
Grieving mothers who have lost children in pregnancy, infancy, or beyond.
Mother's of embryos still frozen and waiting for a chance at life.
Mother's of children who have walked far from the Lord.

Today, I feel more emotional than I have in a long time. I love my mom. I have written about her before. Though our relationship hasn't always been easy, it's always been there. I know I take her for granted a lot.

I am heartbroken for my dad. This is the first Mother's Day since his mom (my Tata) passed away. She was an absolutely incredible mother. She exemplified a mother's love in more facets than we realized until she was gone.

I am also grieving with and for my precious HP sisters. This day is so painful for the ladies that are still waiting. This day screams "not for you!" but for those who are "blessed." I know, I have been there for the last four years. Today was the first day I was able to go to church on Mother's Day in three years.

I am grieving for and with all of my friends who have miscarried or still births. It is so hard to know you are a mother, even though the world doesn't really recognize you as one because your child resides in Heaven and not on earth.

Especially heavy on my heart are the women who did have a living, breathing child who was taken from them after birth. I literally cannot fathom that type of pain.

I guess my point here is yes, Mother's Day is a day to celebrate. I don't want to take anything away from moms. God has definitely given mothers a difficult and mostly thankless job, so one day out of a year to honor what our mother's have sacrificed is not a bad thing. Most people don't even think about rubbing salt in wounds on this day because many times those wounds are well hidden.

Today is bittersweet. Today by the world's standards I am a mother (though baby girl has yet to make her grand entrance). Last year I was a mother by God's standards. For years before that my greatest desire was to become a mother.

For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well

  My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.

How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
    How vast is the sum of them!

Were I to count them,
    they would outnumber the grains of sand —
    when I awake, I am still with you.

- Psalm 139 13-18 

(in)courage says it better than me.

what a year can bring

It's my birthday.

Last year on this day...

I turned 26, still nestled safely within the "mid-twenties" range.
27? that's late twenties no matter how you slice it ;)

I ate at my absolute favorite restaurant, The Village Grill. It's kind of a birthday tradition I started for myself.

I was still carrying Ellis, though not many knew. I went to the hospital on my birthday to have blood drawn. The nurse who did it cried when she saw what the day was for me. I was too numb to care. Three days later, I had the D&C and started the real grieving process.

The day before my birthday I was also at the hospital, this time to see my sweet friend Jenn's new baby girl.

The day after my birthday I celebrated my littlest nephew's first birthday (HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAYCE!!!)

Last year on my birthday I was the angriest I've ever been at God. I ashamed to say that I have been angry at the one who holds me in the palm of his hand, but I was nonetheless.

What the Lord can do in a year. The forgiveness of my sins, the cleansing of my spirit, the renewal of my faith time and time again. An unforgettable trip to Costa Rica. A peace about growing our family in whatever way he chose for us. A church that stood by us. Friends and family that loved us at our ugliest. A marriage that stood the test of loss, and came out stronger.

And of course, as I sit here typing with my gargantuan sized belly, the sweet blessing of a little girl soon to make her self known to this world.

"So I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten..." - Joel 2:25

What a year can bring. Thank you, Lord.

he has risen!

 

"He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay." - Matthew 28:6

showered

The precious women of my church threw a baby shower for me. I was so nervous the night before I literally slept for 3 hours and spent the rest of the time praying. You see, for a long time baby showers were nothing more than a source of pain for me. There isn't much worse for an infertile woman than being surrounded by other women, who most likely have had children, talking all about the miracle of pregnancy.

I am not now, nor have I ever been, bitter or jealous towards my friends' blessings. I mean that sincerely. I think baby showers are absolutely wonderful and essential not only for material things but also for support and encouragement. But it is very hard to be there. I make myself do a lot of things that many other infertile women would not or could not do. I love to babysit my friends children. I love serving on the children's ministry team at church. I love to meet new babies in the hospital. In fact, there are only two instances I can think of in my whole journey that I chose to protect my heart instead of subject myself to hours of tears later: Mother's Day and baby showers.

To say that attending a baby shower for myself was surreal is an understatement. However, I was so so so blessed. Blessed by the amount of women who love me and our baby enough to come. Blessed by the sheer amount of things our baby girl got! But mostly blessed that I was able to share a small part of our testimony. For those that weren't there, I'd like to share it now here.

For those of you who don't know me or Eric well, pregnancy was not something we ever thought we would experience. We spent a very long time praying that God would bless us the way he had Hannah, Sarah, and so many other barren women in the Bible. 

After a while God really began to change the desire of our hearts - instead of praying for a pregnancy, we began instead to pray for parenthood. God softened our hearts toward adoption and we began the journey to become licensed foster parents. After a year and a half we were literally no closer to the end of that road than when we had started. It was a painful and heart-wrenching decision to end that time without bringing home a single child.

A month after we ended that pursuit, we discovered I was pregnant. In three years we had never seen a positive pregnancy test (in fact I was sure they didn't exist and joked with Eric that it was the one test I couldn't pass!) We were deliriously excited and naively hopeful. We didn't realize how badly we wanted to experience pregnancy until it actually happened. 

Our first baby was only with us a few short weeks, but I'll never forget the impact she made on our lives. One day when I hug Jesus, I will get to hug her too. 

As if waiting for years wasn't enough, losing our first baby felt like too much to bear. We didn't understand what God was doing, nor could we see the light on our path. However, we trusted the Lord. It wasn't easy and we were confused, but God had been right there with us on our whole journey, why would he turn his back on us now? I clung to the verse in Psalm stating "the LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

Exactly seven months to the day later, God once again blessed us with a pregnancy. We felt the same unimaginable joy, followed quickly by much anxiety - pregnancy after loss is filled with mixed emotions. 

I am now 30 weeks, a milestone I never let myself imagine I could get to. There are many couples out there with similar or even more heartbreaking stories. I am not sharing this with you for sympathy or to prove anything about "perseverance."  I am sharing our story because above all other things, we want God to get the glory! Our individual relationships with Christ have grown exponentially during the last four years. Our marriage is stronger and more rooted in Christ than it ever could have been without our experiences. We want nothing more than to be a living embodiment of God giving us "beauty from ashes, gladness instead of mourning, and a spirit of praise instead of despair."

God is faithful.

keep calm

like clay

Sometimes I come here with no thoughts to put down, and other times I am bubbling over with ideas in my head that are trying to get out...today is the latter.

I'm thinking about how much of a sinner I am
But also how I'll go days without admitting any of my sins to myself or God.
I'm thinking about my one word: serve
And how I'm failing miserably at it most of the time.
I'm praying about finances
But also relying on God to provide for us as he always has before.
I'm enjoying feeling my little girl make her presence know as I type
But worrying about what life will be like once she is here.
I'm questioning God's timing on adoption
But trusting that he knows better than me.
I'm feeling consumed by thoughts like "Are we doing enough for the Kingdom of God?"
And I know the answer is no, we can always do more!

The last one is the hardest for me. I constantly ask God, what do you expect from us? Are we fulfilling your plan for our lives today? I know my salvation isn't based on works, that isn't what I'm getting at. What I want is for my life to reflect Jesus in every.single.thing I do, and I am so not even close to that.

I think I am railing against becoming complacent.

I don't ever want to be satisfied in my own life to the point where I forget about others.

I see that becoming very easy for me. I am not a selfless person by nature. I tend to be very inward and mememe oriented, it's my flesh. These thoughts are probably more on my mind now that I am preparing to enter into another season of life. It's one that I have wanted for a very very long time, but it also scares me.

Motherhood. I am over the moon excited to be a mom. I am also crazy terrified. I am not scared of the sleeplessness, the amount of time and energy devoted to this little girl, the lack of one on one with my husband, or any of the other things that come with that territory. No, I may not be prepared for all of it, but I am ready.

What I am scared of is losing myself in a world of diapers and playdates and being just ok with that. I don't want to be ok with not serving others. I don't want to be fine with pulling back from people.

Lord, I pray that you would give me balance in the coming season. I pray that you would give me the strength to serve both my husband and my daughter, but also the desire to continue to grow your Kingdom. God I know that I honor you with my actions in my family, but I also know how easy it could be for me to stay in my comfort zone. Stretch me, use me, mold me to look more like Christ - no matter the season I am in.



This is the word that came to Jeremiah from the LORD: “Go down to the potter’s house, and there I will give you my message.” So I went down to the potter’s house, and I saw him working at the wheel. But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him.  Then the word of the LORD came to me. He said, “Can I not do with you, Israel, as this potter does?” declares the LORD. “Like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand, Israel. - Jeremiah 18:1-6

v day

No, not Valentine's Day. Viability day.

Friday marked my 24th week of pregnancy, which means that our baby has a really good (ie: about 70%) chance of surviving outside the womb, should she be born early. Anyone in pregnancy land will tell you that this is a big deal day, but coming from pregnancy after loss...let's just say it's huge.

I definitely do not want to meet this girl any earlier than May, but today I praise God that my chance to mother her on earth has risen exponentially. My chance to watch my husband hold her and spoil her has greatly increased.

I know every breath I take is a sweet gift from God, but I have never been more aware of that fact than I am today.

So blessed.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.- Psalm 139:13-14

my one word

My One Word is a movement that has been around since 2007 (I think) that gets rid of all the New Years resolutions that we never keep, and has us focus on one word for the entire year.

I took some time to pray about my word, and the one that I believe God has laid on my heart is serve.

I want to serve God more in 2012.
Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. - Romans 12:11

 I want to serve my husband more in 2012.
In all things I have shown you that by working hard in this way we must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he himself said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’ - Acts 20:35

I want to serve my church more in 2012.
But God has put the body together, giving greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it. - 1 Corinthians 12:24-26

I want to serve my community more in 2012.
For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”  - Galatians 5:13-14

What's your one word?

on slowing down

I knew it would be like this, I knew the moment when Eric and I found out whether or not our sweet baby was a boy or a girl would be game changer.

I have definitely struggled with this pregnancy, mentally more than anything else. Typing that outright sounds kind of terrible. Let me explain.

I wanted to be pregnant.
I still want to be pregnant.
I am overjoyed to be pregnant.

However, coming from the world of infertility and loss has been more difficult than I ever imagined.

I don't immediately identify with my other pregnant friends. I am joyful, but my joy comes from the Lord, not from the fact that I am pregnant. I am also thankful, same reasoning. You cannot just erase almost four years from your life like they never happened. God has grown and stretched me in ways I could have never imagined. I can look back and see times where God was molding me to look more like his Son. Painful times, but so very productive.

So yes, I have struggled to come to terms with many things during this pregnancy. It doesn't mean I am ungrateful at all, but in my humanness, my mind wanders.

Why now God? Why this timing?
I love this baby, but I loved my first baby too. I wouldn't be carrying this little girl if my first one wasn't sitting with you today.

Can you understand why this pregnancy has been such a mind battle for me? There are a lot of things that add to that battle as the pregnancy progresses; milestones that I did or did not reach with Ellis. The biggest one so far? Gender.

Which brings us back to the game changer. We found out our little one is indeed female, to which I was supremely surprised and Eric was ridiculously overjoyed! To say he was hoping for a girl is an understatement. Love that man of mine! But after our initial elation, reality set in. More than reality, pressure.

I don't like pressure. But there it was like a big black rain cloud hovering over our parade. No one had to put it there, it just appeared on it's own. Pressure to name. Pressure to tell the name. Pressure to decorate the nursery. Pressure to register for all things pink. Pressure, pressure, pressure.

Eric and I have decided not to give in to pressure. This may be the only full-term (God willing) pregnancy we ever get to experience. In an effort to fully realize the blessing we have been given, there are things we must do in order to protect our hearts and minds. A few of these things will make other people mad, I am aware of that. I also don't feel like I have to defend our decisions to anyone. We don't plan on announcing our baby girl's name to the general public. I don't plan on registering for a million and one things, nor do I plan to register any time soon.

Right now I am happy to just sit and enjoy the kicks that I know I'll miss feeling soon. (I'm 20 weeks!!!)
I am even ok with going maternity shopping...mostly because I love shopping and it's getting to be a necessity!
I've started a tiny bit of nursery dreaming, mostly to appease my very excited mom who is generously making the bedding for her first granddaughter. 
I am just not sold on the over-hyped commercialization of pregnancy (or babies and children for that matter, kids just aren't as burdening or expensive as the world makes them out to be).

I think most women want pregnancy to go fast so they can get straight to mothering. I'm just not of that same mindset. And that isn't stemming from me having a superawesomeIcouldbepregnantfortherestofmylife pregnancy, it's just the realization that it is so easy to take gifts from God for granted...even gifts we have wanted begged for for years.

"Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." - Psalm 46:10

merry christmas

"All kings will bow before him, and all nations will serve him." - Psalm 72:11

hangin' there

A few weeks ago I shared with you all that the day after we saw our precious baby's heartbeat for the first time, my grandmother went home to be with the Lord. I don't think I can ever explain the mix of emotions felt during that week.

Today I just want to talk about Tata. Tata means grandmother in Arabic. It's pronounced "Ta" (like tablet) "tah." Most of this post won't mean anything to you all, that's ok, I just feel the need to put down memories of her somewhere. I've always said this blog is my outlet, where I hope to encourage others and glorify God all at the same time.

Tata is one of my first memories. When my parents divorced and we moved away, we visited my dad every summer. We always stayed at Tata's house. She lived about a quarter mile from the ocean in Massachusetts. Her house is one of my favorite places in the entire world. We moved a lot growing up, so I can't say "my childhood home" and mean one place in particular. Tata's house has always been my constant. It is a very small white cottage made up of two bedrooms, one tiny bathroom, a living room and a kitchen. That's it. I love every square inch of that place. My most favorite space in that house is actually not in the house, it's outside. You see Tata was born and raised in Lebanon. She is hands down the best cook I've ever known...more on that later. Anyway, a traditional Arabic dish is yubra - stuffed grape leaves. When Tata moved into her house in the 60s the first thing she did was plant her grape vine. Over 50 years later, it's beautiful and full and producing the most awful tasting grapes! That doesn't matter though, all she needed was the leaves.

She had two sheds out back stuffed to the gills with everything you can imagine. She had two freezers in one, completely packed with food and Lebanese bread! In the event of a snow storm, she wouldn't have to go anywhere for weeks.

A few years ago I thought it would be very important to learn to cook some of her Arabic dishes. She measured nothing! I carefully watched and wrote down ingredients, steps, and eyeballed measurements to ensure I could at least make the simple things that I grew up eating. I thank God for those sweet hours I got to spend with her, talking about how she learned to cook and where she grew up. I learned that she married at 13 years old! She had my dad at age 16 and my uncle at 20. She didn't have any more children after him and I could see in her face that it pained her. She never spoke of being unable to conceive, but at the time Eric and I were going through the same thing and my heart broke over our unspoken infertility bonds.

I learned to make hummus, sfiha (spinach/meat pies), yubra (stuffed grape leaves), mujadara (lentils and rice), tabouleh (parsley salad) and many more dishes. I hope one day they turn out as good as hers.

While Dad was working, Tata did her best to fill our days. We went to the beach and collected snails. She loved to put her feet in the water. We walked on the sea wall. We visited family. Most of all, we shopped! Tata loved to shop. She would shop and buy and the next day she'd return everything! She loved to grocery shop too. She went nearly every day. It was amazing to see her cart filled with $100 worth of groceries, and she'd spend $7.62. I am not kidding, the woman was the original Extreme Couponer.

Dad took us to Disney World one time, and Tata came too! At almost 70 years old, she rode Space Mountain!!! Coolest grandmother ever. When she passed away and I went to MA to help dad go through some of her things, I found a very important envelope. It contained the original deed to her house, her marriage certificate, Dad's birth certificate, and all of our tickets from Disney World. Of course, I lost it. She kept everything important to her in that envelope.


Though she lived in the States for over 50 years, she still liked English as her second language. The sounds of Arabenglish permeated her house as she spoke fast and fluent with her sisters and brother. I will never forget certain phrases that rang out loud when she was excited, or angry!

When she saw us for the first time - "Ya budna!!!"
When she was angry with dad - "Haram."
When she called me on the phone - "Hi Nino!" (Nino was a nickname, no one knows how it got started but she is the only one to ever give me one that actually stuck.)
When asked how she was doing - "Hangin' there!" (She meant "hanging in there.")

I know my Tata loved the Lord. I know she is with with Jesus and she feels no more pain. I'm thankful that when God decided it was time it was fairly quick and relatively painless. There is so much more I could type, so much more I could say about her. I could write a novel on the many hilarious experiences we had, the funny conversations on the phone...

The last voicemail she left me was during Hurricane Irene: Hi Nino! How are you Tata? Be careful from the hurricane Tata. Stay with your sister and brother. I'll talk to you later einey, bye. I love you. Bye.

She could never say bye just one time.

Bye Tata, I love you too. Bye.

So we are always of good courage. We know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord, for we walk by faith, not by sight. Yes, we are of good courage, and we would rather be away from the body and at home with the Lord. - 2 Corinthians 5:6-8

goodbye, first tri(mester)

Well as of yesterday I officially entered the second trimester. Woah. That means I am 1/3 of the way through with this pregnancy (assuming dates are correct and baby comes close to my due date).

Reality is really starting to set in. I have moments of COMPLETE panic that I am growing a real live baby in me! And then the panic turns to amazement and I am awed by how awesome God has been to us. Our baby is the length of a lemon, which is appropriate as I love anything citrus-y. I *think* that my morning-but-should-be-called-night-sickness is weaning. The past few days I have felt GREAT! As in I have done laundry and cleaning and hung out with friends and generally been out and about rather than laid up on my couch. I have figured out a trick that seems to work for me. If I can sleep in until 9:30 or so in the morning, I tend to feel so much better in the day. The amount of sleep at night doesn't matter, just the time I wake up. Weird, I know.

And yes, I do know how blessed I am to have a job that affords me that opportunity :) I can button some pants, but not others. I have gained a little weight. My next appointment is December 1st, I will be 16 weeks then. My plan (if I can convince my doctor) is to hopefully have the gender scan when I am 18 weeks, which is right before Christmas. Then Eric and I can get our doctor to put  the result in a card for us to open on Christmas! (And maybe I will tell friends and family too, hahahaha!)

Anyway, this was way longer than I intended. Bottom line is: I am trying to soak up every part of this pregnancy, the good and the not so good. There is no way to know whether God will bless us with another one, so I am taking each moment as it comes and praising the Lord for his goodness.

"Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever." - 1 Chronicles 16:34

heartbeat

I posted before about the crazy amount of anxiety I have been having with this pregnancy. I know it's par for the course in a pregnancy after loss, but it's hard to...

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." - Philippians 4:6

...ya know? After our first ultrasound when we heard/saw our baby's precious heartbeat, my anxiety faded into the background for a while. However, since this is considered a normal pregnancy (even though I feel anything but normal!) I don't get another appointment until a month later. So in the span of a month I felt the old anxious feelings slowly creeping back in. They are sneaky, like little ninjas in my brain implanting"what if" questions deep within my synapses.

By the time my third appointment rolled around, I was in full blown panic mode. I feared my baby was already gone and that my doctor would be unable to find that beautiful little heartbeat again. I feared I'd be whisked off to ultrasound sans husband to learn that our little one was once again in the arms of Jesus.

But why oh why can't I seem to remember that we serve a God of miracles? Even after all the many trials in life He has brought us through??? I think a lot of it stems from my own feelings of unworthiness. I know so many precious and godly women who desperately desire nothing more than to become a mother. They are so much more deserving than I am. They have waited longer. Lord, won't you bless them in this way?

I'm rambling, so I'll get on with it. My doctor did find our baby's heartbeat, and quickly. I would be lying if I said it wasn't the most beautiful sound I have ever heard. I closed my eyes and the tears slipped down and just reveled in the sound of life growing in me.

I am pregnant. I am growing a baby. Eric and I are parents. I repeat these thoughts in my head a million times a day hoping that eventually they will sink in!

I am 12 weeks and 1 day now, just about a week shy of my second trimester. My baby is the size of a small lime and my doctor says I am measuring right on track. I've even gained a few pounds...which my friends assure me is a wonderful thing ;) 

Lord, thank you for all the blessings in my life. There is a facebook status thingy (that's technical!) about the 30 Days of Thankful in November. I could easily name thirty things I am thankful for without naming my baby as one. I need to remember that. I was blessed before this pregnancy. God does bless people with the gift of children, but it is not his only or his greatest blessing: that would be Jesus Christ.

what i don't believe in

I want to preface this post by saying I am so, so humbled and thankful for this pregnancy. I love this baby so very much and I wouldn't change any of this crazy ride even if I could. I know God has a reason for every minute detail of our lives, even when we don't understand his motives or timing.

Timing is what I am talking about today. I hadn't told you yet, in fact I had told very few people in real life of our plans. Eric and I decided to start the domestic infant adoption process. We chose an agency, filled out our preliminary paperwork, and scheduled our first meeting. We were also very excited about our new adventure! I have a saved post in drafts that I was writing to tell you all when I took the pregnancy test that changed our lives...again.

Hear me and hear me well, friends. I am NOT advocating the "just adopt and you will get pregnant" movement. Just so you know, that happens to less than 10% of the couples who choose adoption. It's a myth, pure and simple.

The other thing I want you to know...or maybe it's more for myself than anyone else...adoption is still my heart. Eric and I, God-willing, will adopt one day. I still don't know if it will be through foster care, domestic, or international. My heart is for the orphan and that will never change.

I won't lie, I have had moments of disappointment when I think about the fact that we are not able to adopt right now (most agencies, including the one we chose, do not allow adoption until 1 year after a child is born into the family). I am not disappointed that we are pregnant! I am not sad about growing a tiny little life inside of me, please know that. I think I am just struggling with God's timing in it all. We were so at peace and SO excited about adoption and BAM - a completely alternate route.

What I don't believe in: coincidence
What I do believe in: a sovereign God

That's really the heart of the matter, isn't it?

"To humans belong the plans of the heart, but from the LORD comes the proper answer of the tongue. All a person’s ways seem pure to them, but motives are weighed by the LORD. Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and he will establish your plans. The LORD works out everything to its proper end — even the wicked for a day of disaster." - Proverbs 16:1-4

the one about miracles

Where do I start? How do I tell you all about a miracle that I have been dreaming about writing forever? My first instinct is to come out and say it. My first instincts are never that good. Maybe I’ll just tell you a story.

You know the beginning of this story. You know, the story of a boy and girl who fell in love, got married, and couldn’t have babies. But God was sovereign.

You know some of the crazy turns this story has taken. The boy and the girl decide to adopt through foster care. It didn’t end well. In fact, it didn’t end at all. Almost two years later, they still aren’t certified. But God was bigger than their plans.

You know about the heartache they have endured. The boy and the girl learned of the little one growing inside her, only to lose that little one entirely too soon. But God was loving.

Now, there is a new little one growing inside her. This baby is perfectly formed with arms and legs and the most beautiful heartbeat the boy and girl had ever seen or heard. God is faithful.

I’m pregnant, dear friends. It is indeed a miracle. A very unexpected and much desired miracle. I have been processing this news for over two weeks now. It was two weeks of very intense anxiety and fear. You see, once you have experienced a loss, your innocence is taken. My first reaction upon learning of this new life was complete joy, followed very quickly by consuming fear. Fear that we would have to relive the nightmare of losing a child again.

I have the most incredible husband, family, and friends (both in my real life, and my Hannah girls) who were praying for me and our baby during those two weeks. I believe the Lord heard their prayers. Yesterday we had our first ultrasound. In the morning I woke up filled with dread, where was the hope I should have had? Where was God’s peace? I prayed…

“…I believe; help my unbelief!” – Mark 9:24b

I was literally shaking on the ultrasound table. Within moments, our precious baby was on the screen, wiggling away with a HEARTBEAT. A few moments later we heard that heartbeat for ourselves. That was the moment, for me. The moment I let go of fear and clung to hope. The moment I realized that the Lord really did bless us with not only a pregnancy, but a real live baby. Every emotion I felt dropped silently down my face in humble, grateful tears.

Friends, I am 8 weeks and 1 day today. Our baby has a
large
head, body, arms, legs, and a beautiful beating heart. I was very wary of posting here or facebook or anywhere else announcing our news, however, I have since learned of the absolute amazingness of the body of Christ. And, how loved Eric and I and our baby already are. I come here now, asking you to cover us in prayer. We are not naive, we know there is still a chance that we might not see this baby this side of heaven. We also know that we serve a big and mighty God.

“The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.” – Zephaniah 3:17

I have much more to share, but in order to use my words carefully and bring the most glory to God, I must split the next few posts up. The multiplicity of emotions is just overwhelming right now.

Be back soon, God bless.

the awkward silence

While in the midst of infertility, there are a few questions you dread someone asking. Conversations start normally and innocently enough, and then they always end the same.

"So how long have you been married?"
Five years of bliss.

"Oh wow! Do you have any children?"
Not yet. Yes, but he/she is in heaven.

"What do you do?"
I am a math tutor for high school students at Bright and Beautiful Learning Center.

"Why don't you work full time?"
God has put it on mine and my husband's heart for me to work part time right now. Why don't you mind your own and stop giving me that judgmental look?

Awkward silence. Subject change.

It may seem like the worst question for infertile me is the one about children. It's not. I know that one is coming, and even though I feel a strong desire to answer yes to that question sometimes, I know the path of least resistance is a simple "not yet." I'm not technically lying, since I know that in their mind they are really asking the question "Do you have any living children?" even if they don't realize it. No one asks the question expecting me to tell them of my heaven-born baby. So I give them an out before they even know they need it.

No, the hard question is the last one. It's the one I don't often expect coupled with a look of "why would this childless woman only work part time?" As if the only two categories for married women are full time work or full time stay at home mom. My inbetweenness throws them off.

I feel the need to answer the mental questions I can see them asking me in that awkward silence.

Yes, originally I stopped working full time with every intention of becoming a mother. No, two years after quitting my teaching job that still hasn't happened. Also, no, I don't feel like we heard wrongly from God. I fully believe that what I have been doing for the past two years has been exactly God's plan for my life. I could list all the ways my husband and I have been blessed by it. I could list all the opportunities I have had because of my part time status. Just as easily, I could list all the ways people have tried to take advantage of it, or scorned it.

The point is, my identity has nothing to do with people. It has nothing to do with my job, full time or not. It has nothing to do with whether I have seven children or none. My identity is in Christ Jesus. My self-worth comes from the love and forgiveness I have received from Him. My purpose in life is to glorify God in all I do (or don't do, if that is the case.)

So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.- 1 Corinthians 10:31

It's so easy to judge someone you have just met. It's even easy to judge someone you have been acquainted with for years, but haven't known. It's not easy to judge when you learn the heart of a person. I'm not saying I have this concept down, I don't. But in the many (painful) lessons the Lord has taught me on this infertility journey, this is one I will cherish most.

But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” - 1 Samuel 16:7

prayer chain - changed

Please pray that we all leave changed with missional hearts. Pray that God wil change us, not simply change things.

"Therefore I urge you, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect." - Romans 12:1-2

prayer chain - glory (and a shout out!)

Pray that God would receive all the glory as we serve selflessly.

"make my joy complete by being of the same mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose. Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus,  who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men.  Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. For this reason also, God highly exalted Him, and bestowed on Him the name which is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus EVERY KNEE WILL BOW, of those who are in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and that every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father." - Philippians 2:2-11


AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY SWEET FRIEND, TAYLOR!!!

prayer chain - revive

Pray for all who are serving to be revived as we work, teach, and play with children and minister to one another.

"Restore us again O God of our salvation. Will you not revive us again that your people may rejoice in you? Show us your steadfast love and grant us your salvation! Surely his salvation is near to those who fear him, that glory may dwell in our land." - Psalm 85:4a, 6, 7, 9

prayer chain - teachers

Pray for the missionaries Timothy and Keiry Jones, Kim Harrell, and others who are teaching, sharing and leading.

"shepherd the flock of God among you, exercising oversight not under compulsion, but voluntarily, according to the will of God; and not for sordid gain, but with eagerness; nor yet as lording it over those allotted to your charge, but proving to be examples to the flock. And when the Chief Shepherd appears, you will receive the unfading crown of glory." - 1 Peter 5:2-4