Today is the day Eric and I were supposed to meet our baby. Instead of heading to the hospital and going through labor and delivery and ending up with a snuggly little bundle in our arms, we are sitting in our living room, arms empty.

We named our baby, though I have never shared here before. Though we never found out the sex, we both had a sense she was a girl.

Ellis - "my God is the Lord"

Ellis gave us so much. I had thought conception an impossibility, Ellis proved that wrong. I had a deep desire to become a mother, and Ellis made me one. She brought a lot of joy to us in the short time that I carried her. 

I can't write any more through the tears. I miss our baby. My heart still hurts from what we lost.

But my God is the LORD.
He is my strength and my Redeemer, my very present help.
He is close to the brokenhearted.
He is our Sustainer.
My God is the LORD.

We love you, Ellis.

goodbye, first tri(mester)

Well as of yesterday I officially entered the second trimester. Woah. That means I am 1/3 of the way through with this pregnancy (assuming dates are correct and baby comes close to my due date).

Reality is really starting to set in. I have moments of COMPLETE panic that I am growing a real live baby in me! And then the panic turns to amazement and I am awed by how awesome God has been to us. Our baby is the length of a lemon, which is appropriate as I love anything citrus-y. I *think* that my morning-but-should-be-called-night-sickness is weaning. The past few days I have felt GREAT! As in I have done laundry and cleaning and hung out with friends and generally been out and about rather than laid up on my couch. I have figured out a trick that seems to work for me. If I can sleep in until 9:30 or so in the morning, I tend to feel so much better in the day. The amount of sleep at night doesn't matter, just the time I wake up. Weird, I know.

And yes, I do know how blessed I am to have a job that affords me that opportunity :) I can button some pants, but not others. I have gained a little weight. My next appointment is December 1st, I will be 16 weeks then. My plan (if I can convince my doctor) is to hopefully have the gender scan when I am 18 weeks, which is right before Christmas. Then Eric and I can get our doctor to put  the result in a card for us to open on Christmas! (And maybe I will tell friends and family too, hahahaha!)

Anyway, this was way longer than I intended. Bottom line is: I am trying to soak up every part of this pregnancy, the good and the not so good. There is no way to know whether God will bless us with another one, so I am taking each moment as it comes and praising the Lord for his goodness.

"Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever." - 1 Chronicles 16:34

blogging boosts egos

I love awards. There, I said it. I didn't get any superlatives in high school so winning just feels good ;)

The Liebster Award spotlights up and coming bloggers who generally have less than 200 followers. Upon receipt of the Liebster Award, there are a few very simple rules:
1. Copy and paste the award on your blog
2. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you
3. Reveal your top 5 picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.
4. Hope that your followers will spread the love to other bloggers.

A big thank you to one of my favorite bloggers (who just happens to have one of the most adorable children on the planet) Grace @ Chois-R-Us!

Now for my picks!
1. Taylor @ On My Front Porch Looking In
2. Jenn @ Life's Little Details
3. Eric @ Everything Matters Today (is it cheating to give one to my husband? I don't care, he rocks!)
4. Jess @ When the Music Fades
5. Deb @ Chosen Ones
Spread the award love people!

if you've ever owned a dachshund

We have a miniature dachshund. Her name is Maggie. We have had her since we got back from our honeymoon, over 5 years ago. To say she is stubborn is an understatement. She is a self-proclaimed princess. She is insane. She has eaten 4 times the amount of chocolate that should have killed her (don't ask) and a half dozen Krispy Kreme donuts, yet here she lies breathing next to me. I may or may not refer to her as "the little bad one" on a daily basis. I am fairly convinced she has no soul because she knows when she does bad things and she just.doesn't.care. But I do love this crazy dog.

Anyway, if you have ever owned a dachshund...these are for you:

Do you have any funny dachshund-related gear?


I posted before about the crazy amount of anxiety I have been having with this pregnancy. I know it's par for the course in a pregnancy after loss, but it's hard to...

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." - Philippians 4:6

...ya know? After our first ultrasound when we heard/saw our baby's precious heartbeat, my anxiety faded into the background for a while. However, since this is considered a normal pregnancy (even though I feel anything but normal!) I don't get another appointment until a month later. So in the span of a month I felt the old anxious feelings slowly creeping back in. They are sneaky, like little ninjas in my brain implanting"what if" questions deep within my synapses.

By the time my third appointment rolled around, I was in full blown panic mode. I feared my baby was already gone and that my doctor would be unable to find that beautiful little heartbeat again. I feared I'd be whisked off to ultrasound sans husband to learn that our little one was once again in the arms of Jesus.

But why oh why can't I seem to remember that we serve a God of miracles? Even after all the many trials in life He has brought us through??? I think a lot of it stems from my own feelings of unworthiness. I know so many precious and godly women who desperately desire nothing more than to become a mother. They are so much more deserving than I am. They have waited longer. Lord, won't you bless them in this way?

I'm rambling, so I'll get on with it. My doctor did find our baby's heartbeat, and quickly. I would be lying if I said it wasn't the most beautiful sound I have ever heard. I closed my eyes and the tears slipped down and just reveled in the sound of life growing in me.

I am pregnant. I am growing a baby. Eric and I are parents. I repeat these thoughts in my head a million times a day hoping that eventually they will sink in!

I am 12 weeks and 1 day now, just about a week shy of my second trimester. My baby is the size of a small lime and my doctor says I am measuring right on track. I've even gained a few pounds...which my friends assure me is a wonderful thing ;) 

Lord, thank you for all the blessings in my life. There is a facebook status thingy (that's technical!) about the 30 Days of Thankful in November. I could easily name thirty things I am thankful for without naming my baby as one. I need to remember that. I was blessed before this pregnancy. God does bless people with the gift of children, but it is not his only or his greatest blessing: that would be Jesus Christ.