one year

This is the day, the one I thought would never come.
The one I never imagined my little ticker would or could reach.
The one that makes me even sadder than the anniversary of Eric and I trying to conceive.

This day is the one that marks exactly one year since we started the ball rolling on our adoption.
One year of classes and paperwork.
One year and still no homestudy or inspections.

One year of waiting for my precious little child(ren) to come to their forever home.

If you have been reading my random thoughts and journey for any length of time you know that I am no good at waiting. I am especially no good at waiting when there is no definite end in sight.

We ask so so so many questions that have no answers, or answers that are not revealed to us yet...

Why is it taking so long?
When will our homestudy be set up? Approved?
What are our kids doing right now? Are they hungry? Cold? Abused?
We have waited for over two years for a pregnancy and have pretty much given that up in hopes of adoption...was that a bad decision? Did we not hear from you correctly on that Lord?
Did we jump ahead of Your plan?
Are we not in Your will?
Are we just trying to fulfill our selfish desire to become parents any way we can?

Hard questions. Ones I know I shouldn't even be asking. Of course we heard from God. We prayed for an entire month before making the decision to stop fertility treatments and start the adoption process. We know we are on the right track.

Then why do we keep watching from the sidelines while others get to go in for the big game? What string are we on the team that we have to wait this long? 3rd? 5th? Everyone knows they almost never get to play.

I have never sugar coated things for you all. I think you deserve to see a real person. As Christians we like to pretend that we "have it all together" when the exact opposite is true.

I don't have it all together. There are days when my grief over not being a mom yet is absolutely crippling...and I am not ashamed to admit that. Not to you, and most importantly not to God. My faith in Him is the ONLY thing that gets me through. And hear me when I say "gets me through"...what I really mean is the Holy Spirit drags me kicking and screaming out of what could very well be a deep well of depression with no way out.

God refuses to leave me like that.

No, He wants more for my life than that. I know I have more work to do for His kingdom and He is not through with me yet. Not by a long shot.

I guess what I am trying to say is that it is ok to question God. Heck, it is our very nature to question Him. I know He would much rather me be yelling and screaming at Him and begging "why" than refusing to communicate at all.

That is when things get scary. Eric and I can not do this thing on our own. We need the body of Christ (like this friend and this friend) to lift us up in prayer. We need our Lord and Saviour to be our everlasting hope of glory.

I will be a mom one day. I don't know if it will be in one more month or one more year. What I do know is one day I am going to look back on this time in my life and PRAISE GOD for everything that he has done! I don't understand it all now, but that is the beauty of trust: I don't have to.

"Now I rejoice in what I am suffering for you, and I fill up in my flesh what is still lacking in regard to Christ’s afflictions, for the sake of his body, which is the church. I have become its servant by the commission God gave me to present to you the word of God in its fullness— the mystery that has been kept hidden for ages and generations, but is now disclosed to the Lord’s people. To them God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory. He is the one we proclaim, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone fully mature in Christ. To this end I strenuously contend with all the energy Christ so powerfully works in me." - Colossions 1:24-29

14 comments:

  1. Thanks for being honest! Those of us waiting have all been there; I have good days and bad days and I'm glad that the good ones outweigh the bad ones. I think God is working in us during this waiting time! It took us almost a year to get the homestudy finished too so I know how you feel! I'd be honored to pray for you guys as you continue to wait!

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  2. It is OKAY to feel the way you are feeling and to ask the questions you are asking! I have been there and still am, especially lately! It's so hard to not question, especially when you see how easy parenthood seems to come to everyone else. Infertility is an unimaginable pain that most people cannot even begin to understand unless they have walked that road. In some ways, the adoption journey is the same. It's a painful process, too, that some days seems to never end and often times seems to be filled with so much unfairness! This time of waiting WILL end. It has a purpose and it has an ending. Keep holding on to your faith! He hasn't forgotten you, even when it seems that way. He promised to carry you through this and He will!! (I'm saying these things to myself as I'm saying them to you b/c I need to hear them. :) I'm praying that God will fill your heart with peace and joy and hope during this time! 2011 holds some great things for you!!

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  3. I know your ache all too well and I promise that He will not leave you or forsake you, even when it feels like there is no hope. I'm praying for you to find your Mommy dreams this year! In the meantime, check out the beginning of Isaiah 54 and God's words to the barren woman. I claimed this as a promise for a very long time!

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  4. Oh Heather. I love your honesty. I'll need your support when we get to this stage, so be prepared. :) You're right though, the darkest times of my journey have been when there is no dialouge with God. I will continue to pray for you and this difficult road.

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  5. And God is still good. He knows your heart (He planted those desires) and He knows your heartache (He aches too).

    Yet He also has the whole picture. And the answer to your prayer, will be the answer to someone else's prayer too. Only He knows the time and the hour and I am praying that it is soon!

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  6. Heather-thanks for your post. I appreciate your honesty & candidness. Praying for you, friend.

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  7. {{{Heather}}} My heart is aching for you, sweet friend.

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  8. Who would have thought the support of people I have never met would impact me so much?
    Thank you all for your prayers and support. Please know I pray for all of you in your many different circumstances as well. God bless!

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  9. totally. have asked those same questions so often too. thanks for sharing.

    also love your friend amy's last post. glad that you have a friend like her.

    praying for God's comfort as we continue on this tricky adventure.

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  10. Thank you for letting the Holy Spirit use you, friend. Your transparency is encouraging someone just now that may feel that they are alone in this journey and in their questions. Just so you know, you are dearer to my heart than you can possibly know. Much love...

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  11. oh boy, waiting is SO hard and reaching "milestones" like this make it even more painful. i'm so frustrated for you, heather, but am praying for you and hope 2011 is a year full of LOTS of joy for you and eric! love to you...

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  12. Aww Heather Evans you bring tears to my eyes. If you want, I will pretend to be your kid until you get one. I know something that will cheer you up- go read my list on my blog. I wrote a little secret about you! I don't know if you've heard this song before but it always makes me feel better: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3MWTUbpzxhU

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  13. hang in there, it WILL happen! we went a year through "the process" before we got licensed.

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