divided

Lately I have started to realize that I view my life in two parts: before we lost our child, and after we lost our child.

Everything in my world was shaken to the core. My ability to make decisions has gone out the window. I don't trust anything I say or do to be a part of God's plan for me.

You see, before our loss I was sure.
I was sure about adoption.
I was sure about a sibling group.
I was sure about going through foster care.
I was sure about being ok with not being pregnant, or having a biological child.
I was sure.

After our loss I have been uncertain.
I am uncertain that I want to adopt.
I am uncertain that I want a sibling group.
I am uncertain about going through foster care.
I am uncertain if I want to ever be pregnant again, or have a biological child.

Before and after.

I know that I am still grieving. And grief doesn't care about my capacity to make decisions and trust them. Grief doesn't set boundaries in time. Maybe my thoughts are irrational cast in the midst of this grief and pain. It doesn't make them any less my thoughts, does it? It doesn't change the fact that right now, in this moment, it's how I feel.

The truth is, my life is partitioned into two parts. I am just wrong about the event in which my life was divided.

My life should be split into before Christ, and after Christ.

I need to remember where I was before Jesus. I need daily reminders of what God saved me from: a life of misery and unhappiness and constant approval of others.

Before Christ
I was uncertain of who I was.
I was uncertain of what life was supposed to be about.
I was uncertain of my purpose.

After Christ
I was sure of my identity in Christ Jesus.
I was sure about what my life should be about.
I was sure of my purpose.

My life needs to stop revolving around my grief and start revolving around my God again. That doesn't mean I won't be sad or upset or downright angry when I think about what we have lost, what our marriage has gone through. I am not trying to minimize my pain or the pain of anyone else who has lost a child. I am trying to cling to the God that I know holds my future in his hands. I am trying to center my life around Jesus and not around my circumstances.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. - Jeremiah 29:11

We are selfish people by nature and I will fail at this goal on a daily basis, I know that going in. But God is bigger than my grief and my selfishness. He wants nothing more than to be the only thing I need, the only thing I desire.

“God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in him.” - John Piper

15 comments:

  1. I'm sorry you're hurting and so confused. I am too, for different reasons and I too know God is calling me to not be divided anymore. Isn't it hard to let go and trust again?!
    He reminds me of Peter on the lake(matt 14). Peter walked ON the water when his gaze was fixed on Jesus and then when Peter looked at the winds instead his feet started to go under.
    What a lesson for life in that story! Jesus said to him why were you divided. Anxiety means to be divided.
    Girl it is hard and I feel for you! especially after what you have been going through.
    I pray right now that God shows himself to you in the midst of this great sea of confusion and makes clear where He is saying come so you too can again get out of the boat and with gaze fixed on Jesus walk confidently across the currents :) x

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  2. Oh, friend. So glad we are doing coffee today! Yeay! Let's talk and pray together then. I love you.

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  3. Your faith is remarkable in these hard times. You are so strong! Keep on keeping on... you have soooo many people praying for you, rooting for you, loving you. Including me.

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  4. Holy crapoly I loved this post. I just wish we could sit down and talk. I totally understand where you're at with this stuff. As you know with my story, this last year has really rattled up the things I was "sure" I knew before. The funny thing? is that I've become okay with the waiting...much more than ever before.

    I feel absolutely unable to think about the future. That part of my mind has been (it feels like) permanently shut down. Before, this would have really bothered me, but I'm learning to embrace it for the reasons you stated far more eloquently than I could have...God has not changed. But on some level, I have changed how I view God. I've had to, my child died. There's this great paragraph in "A Grief Observed" that states something to the effect of "would you deny a mother a right to grieve her child?" his point is...no, you wouldn't. I know your child wasn't here with you long, sweetie, but it's still ok to struggle with it. I would worry about you if you didn't.

    Sure, we should all work on our selfishness, on our inability to reconcile what we want with God's plan for us, but don't feel like you need to be "better" yet. Or ever. Take your time.
    Love you.

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  5. 'He wants nothing more than to be the only thing I need, the only thing I desire.'

    Beautiful post, dear friend.

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  6. this made me teary, i know exactly how you feel. i read the first comment and straight away thought of the verse - give me an undivided heart that i may fear your name. so i googled it and its psalm 86:11.
    thanks for your honesty.
    it helps others be honest.
    love me.

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  7. heather you are dearly loved and I can see how God is using this. I can just see others experiencing or have had experienced the same grief as you and just reading how you are handling it through the Lord is so admirable. Be encouraged in that.

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  8. I love you Heather! You write so honestly and it humbles me. You should not feel bad about how you feel. God knows you are going to feel uncertain and He only asks that you bring it to Him. And you have.... and you will continue to. The good news is, even though you feel unsure of what your heart wants right now... God knows. That is all that matters. Give yourself same time to pray and vent. This won't mean much, and may sound harsh but soon the sting will lessen. It will never go away, but God will heal the sting. Praying for you always.

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  9. i don't think there is any other way to feel than how you feel.

    God is close to the broken hearted. I promise.

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  10. Grateful - that you are leaning on Him. And grateful still, for the GOOD THINGS this little one brought to your life in the short time. And perhaps one of those gifts is that you are even more sensitive to hear His voice?

    Thank you for sharing... celebrating and grieving with you.

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  11. thank you for sharing your heart with us, heather. i am so sorry you are hurting and i so wish i could give you a big hug. right now, if all you can do is just be, then just be. it takes time to heal wounds and this one's a big one...sending you hugs and prayers.
    "be still and know that i am God." psalm 40:10.

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  12. i'm so sorry heather.

    praying for comfort...

    thanks for sharing. this actually something close to my heart too as a friend and i have been conversing about this in a similar way.

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  13. Jeremiah 29:11 is above my bed on my wall! Thank you so much for sharing your heart sweetheart. If God brings you to it, God will bring you through it. Much love to you darling. I hope He brings you peace that surpasses all understanding.

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