I'm thinking about how much of a sinner I am
But also how I'll go days without admitting any of my sins to myself or God.
I'm thinking about my one word: serve
And how I'm failing miserably at it most of the time.
I'm praying about finances
But also relying on God to provide for us as he always has before.
I'm enjoying feeling my little girl make her presence know as I type
But worrying about what life will be like once she is here.
I'm questioning God's timing on adoption
But trusting that he knows better than me.
I'm feeling consumed by thoughts like "Are we doing enough for the Kingdom of God?"
And I know the answer is no, we can always do more!
The last one is the hardest for me. I constantly ask God, what do you expect from us? Are we fulfilling your plan for our lives today? I know my salvation isn't based on works, that isn't what I'm getting at. What I want is for my life to reflect Jesus in every.single.thing I do, and I am so not even close to that.
I think I am railing against becoming complacent.
I don't ever want to be satisfied in my own life to the point where I forget about others.
I see that becoming very easy for me. I am not a selfless person by nature. I tend to be very inward and mememe oriented, it's my flesh. These thoughts are probably more on my mind now that I am preparing to enter into another season of life. It's one that I have wanted for a very very long time, but it also scares me.
Motherhood. I am over the moon excited to be a mom. I am also crazy terrified. I am not scared of the sleeplessness, the amount of time and energy devoted to this little girl, the lack of one on one with my husband, or any of the other things that come with that territory. No, I may not be prepared for all of it, but I am ready.
What I am scared of is losing myself in a world of diapers and playdates and being just ok with that. I don't want to be ok with not serving others. I don't want to be fine with pulling back from people.
Lord, I pray that you would give me balance in the coming season. I pray that you would give me the strength to serve both my husband and my daughter, but also the desire to continue to grow your Kingdom. God I know that I honor you with my actions in my family, but I also know how easy it could be for me to stay in my comfort zone. Stretch me, use me, mold me to look more like Christ - no matter the season I am in.
You're going to be an awesome mama. There is NO doubt in my mind. I can't wait to watch it from afar!! And your number one job is going to be to SERVE her. And Daddy. And you will rock it. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm with Deb here. We often forget that motherhood IS a calling AND a ministry. I used to bemoan the fact that having kids takes time away from reaching others for Christ until God showed me that I live with two people who need witnessing and discipleship. I know what you mean about growing complacent but your kids are your ministry for a few years. There will be time for other types of ministry later. There is no job more important now than to disciple them to grow to disciple others. Love you!
ReplyDeletemotherhood has been a real change for me. even 7 mths into it. i understand the thoughts you are having! i am definitely finding it hard some days with the role change. esp with things like marriage, friends, etc. i'm praying that God will continue to show me how to do things and what to focus on and what to be ok to 'let go'... and of course getting my head around the fact that the baby is my primary focus too. a lot to take in/learn! praying as you prepare. it will be awesome no matter what. i know you prob know that but also know i'm still figuring it out if you find yourself confused some days and all it feels like you've done is laundrylaundrylaundry!
ReplyDeletePraying for you as you embark on your new role as a mama! Praying you would experience His peace as you prepare...
ReplyDeleteCathie
www.walkinginhisplan.blogspot.com
I read those words and prayed them for both of us (well, for your hubby too - but I didn't say "mom" :)
ReplyDeleteThanking Him for the calling that He has planted in you - for the blessing He has brought to you, and for the amazingincrediblecan'tevenimagineit future He has for you in serving others.
He WILL do it. And for a season, your ministry field will be mostly the two gifts in your own home... raising your little one to GO LIVE and SHARE for Him too.
I get this. I think you need to think about the perspective of your little girl becoming a Christ-follower and serving WITH you. Serving X2!
ReplyDeleteI know parenting can make Kingdom work seem more difficult to attain--less opportunity--less energy--bigger time and family commitments.
But guess what? You still want it. You still have a driven passion that God has laid on your heart. And that, my friend, will take you far into serving this world and blessing God's people.
Praying for your God-given tenacity to continue on!
X,
Jessica
i remember writing to a friend when ds was a few months in... worried that my life had become exactly that. diapers, laundry, etc. and i was doing nothing for the kingdom anymore! she wrote back and reminded me that raising children IS kingdom work, that changing diapers is serving the Lord's little ones, and raising them to fear the Lord is kingdom work.
ReplyDeletei really changed my perspective.
but don't worry, they grow out of diapers fairly fast and in a few years you'll have plenty of extra time to do things again... and you can take your child along and teach him/her all about it too!
and that's an amazing thing! :)
mrs bob (from hp)