heartbeat

I posted before about the crazy amount of anxiety I have been having with this pregnancy. I know it's par for the course in a pregnancy after loss, but it's hard to...

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." - Philippians 4:6

...ya know? After our first ultrasound when we heard/saw our baby's precious heartbeat, my anxiety faded into the background for a while. However, since this is considered a normal pregnancy (even though I feel anything but normal!) I don't get another appointment until a month later. So in the span of a month I felt the old anxious feelings slowly creeping back in. They are sneaky, like little ninjas in my brain implanting"what if" questions deep within my synapses.

By the time my third appointment rolled around, I was in full blown panic mode. I feared my baby was already gone and that my doctor would be unable to find that beautiful little heartbeat again. I feared I'd be whisked off to ultrasound sans husband to learn that our little one was once again in the arms of Jesus.

But why oh why can't I seem to remember that we serve a God of miracles? Even after all the many trials in life He has brought us through??? I think a lot of it stems from my own feelings of unworthiness. I know so many precious and godly women who desperately desire nothing more than to become a mother. They are so much more deserving than I am. They have waited longer. Lord, won't you bless them in this way?

I'm rambling, so I'll get on with it. My doctor did find our baby's heartbeat, and quickly. I would be lying if I said it wasn't the most beautiful sound I have ever heard. I closed my eyes and the tears slipped down and just reveled in the sound of life growing in me.

I am pregnant. I am growing a baby. Eric and I are parents. I repeat these thoughts in my head a million times a day hoping that eventually they will sink in!

I am 12 weeks and 1 day now, just about a week shy of my second trimester. My baby is the size of a small lime and my doctor says I am measuring right on track. I've even gained a few pounds...which my friends assure me is a wonderful thing ;) 

Lord, thank you for all the blessings in my life. There is a facebook status thingy (that's technical!) about the 30 Days of Thankful in November. I could easily name thirty things I am thankful for without naming my baby as one. I need to remember that. I was blessed before this pregnancy. God does bless people with the gift of children, but it is not his only or his greatest blessing: that would be Jesus Christ.