I have definitely struggled with this pregnancy, mentally more than anything else. Typing that outright sounds kind of terrible. Let me explain.
I wanted to be pregnant.
I still want to be pregnant.
I am overjoyed to be pregnant.
However, coming from the world of infertility and loss has been more difficult than I ever imagined.
I don't immediately identify with my other pregnant friends. I am joyful, but my joy comes from the Lord, not from the fact that I am pregnant. I am also thankful, same reasoning. You cannot just erase almost four years from your life like they never happened. God has grown and stretched me in ways I could have never imagined. I can look back and see times where God was molding me to look more like his Son. Painful times, but so very productive.
So yes, I have struggled to come to terms with many things during this pregnancy. It doesn't mean I am ungrateful at all, but in my humanness, my mind wanders.
Why now God? Why this timing?
I love this baby, but I loved my first baby too. I wouldn't be carrying this little girl if my first one wasn't sitting with you today.
Can you understand why this pregnancy has been such a mind battle for me? There are a lot of things that add to that battle as the pregnancy progresses; milestones that I did or did not reach with Ellis. The biggest one so far? Gender.
Which brings us back to the game changer. We found out our little one is indeed female, to which I was supremely surprised and Eric was ridiculously overjoyed! To say he was hoping for a girl is an understatement. Love that man of mine! But after our initial elation, reality set in. More than reality, pressure.
I don't like pressure. But there it was like a big black rain cloud hovering over our parade. No one had to put it there, it just appeared on it's own. Pressure to name. Pressure to tell the name. Pressure to decorate the nursery. Pressure to register for all things pink. Pressure, pressure, pressure.
Eric and I have decided not to give in to pressure. This may be the only full-term (God willing) pregnancy we ever get to experience. In an effort to fully realize the blessing we have been given, there are things we must do in order to protect our hearts and minds. A few of these things will make other people mad, I am aware of that. I also don't feel like I have to defend our decisions to anyone. We don't plan on announcing our baby girl's name to the general public. I don't plan on registering for a million and one things, nor do I plan to register any time soon.
Right now I am happy to just sit and enjoy the kicks that I know I'll miss feeling soon. (I'm 20 weeks!!!)
I am even ok with going maternity shopping...mostly because I love shopping and it's getting to be a necessity!
I've started a tiny bit of nursery dreaming, mostly to appease my very excited mom who is generously making the bedding for her first granddaughter.
I am just not sold on the over-hyped commercialization of pregnancy (or babies and children for that matter, kids just aren't as burdening or expensive as the world makes them out to be).
I think most women want pregnancy to go fast so they can get straight to mothering. I'm just not of that same mindset. And that isn't stemming from me having a superawesomeIcouldbepregnantfortherestofmylife pregnancy, it's just the realization that it is so easy to take gifts from God for granted...even gifts we have
"Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." - Psalm 46:10
Hey Heather--
ReplyDeleteI can understand all of these thoughts you've poured out. What you are going through is tough! Especially when 'the world' seems to be attempting to steer you off course.
Stay strong in your beliefs and take each milestone step of pregnancy and preparing for your baby to come into this world in your own time.
Walk with the King!
Jessica
Remember that everyone does life differently. You and Eric do it YOUR way. You'll parent YOUR way too, even in the midst of people speaking in when they shouldn't.... Enjoy this pregnancy. I get it from a different angle. This 41 year old single mama won't ever carry a baby in her womb, so treasure it. Daily. :)
ReplyDeleteVery beautifully written! Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeleteYou don't worry about all the pressure!! Heck yea your having a girl!! :) ha ha But its okay if you don't tell the name. If someone is mad about it, that is just selfish of them. It is YOUR pregnancy and you enjoy it the way you want to, and also the way you NEED to for your own mentality! :)
ReplyDeleteI faced similar pressure with all 3 of my pregnancies.With Will, we knew the sex but told no one but did share the boy/girl name choices.With Josie Anna we shared the sex but kept the name a secret until she came. With Nate-we didn't know the sex and had boy/girl names chosen but didn't share them with anyone. My point is this-with each child we did what felt right to us and everyone else just had to accept it.Many were a bit irritated with us each time, but WE were happy and that is all that mattered. And really, Heather, that is the way it has been in our parenting journey with each child. With every situation that has come along with them we have had to do what "feels right" for each child and for us, sometimes at the cost of not taking well meaning advice (and irritating some people along the way:)). You are already a great mom:).
ReplyDeleteI loved this post. A lot...for many reasons that I can't even quite put a finger on, to be honest.
ReplyDeleteI will say this, I have watched my husband's sister raise three of my nieces (so far) on zero money. Zero. The girls play with old yogurt cups, they played with our empty paper tea bags at our most recent Christmas gathering and they are the most joyful kids I have ever seen. They are regulated, they get lots of time with mom and dad, they are not perfect...but I see more and more how the commercialization of kids is far more of a hindrance than any kind of help. There's my unsolicited .02.
Bravo to you, dear sister in the way in which you have embraced what is happening right now and not gotten caught up on the future. So excited to continue reading your heart. It always makes me grateful to know you (even if it's just on the internet).
This hit home so much, Heather, and you did a great job of putting complicated heart-feelings down in words. (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteI stumbled across your blog just now, and this is beautifully written. I don't know if the feelings left over from infertility will ever really go away. We kept names a surprise, too. Somehow, it felt like a way to treasure this journey in our hearts, just me and my husband. Many blessings on your pregnancy.
ReplyDeleteHeather, I am so happy for you! I can't imagine the things your heart is going through right now. I am excited to keep reading! CONGRATS!
ReplyDelete