one month

My sweet baby is a month old. Insert gaspingohmygoodnesshowdidthathappenwheredidthetimego here.

She is an absolute joy and a very, very happy baby. I am at the tip of the iceburg in discovering just how blessed I am. Now, I am not turning this blog into a "mommy blog," not that there is anything wrong with mommy blogs...it just isn't me. I have a baby book and a calendar to record all of her precious moments, but once a month I'll post an Ella update. (I know my stalkers family/friends that are far away like to keep up!)

She is on a schedule! I mean my plan all along has been to incorporate the BabyWise techniques to eventually get her on one, but man it happened way faster than I imagined (HUGE thanks to my dear friends Amy and Taylor for putting up with my insane questions and phone calls and text messages...).

We start our day at 7AM and follow the eat/play/sleep routine every three hours, which means she eats at 10AM, 1PM, 4PM, 7PM, and 10PM. At the last feeding we let her sleep for as long as she wants, which has been pretty consistent between 3-4AM. Yes, I told you I was blessed. That's the only feeding I don't have to wake her for...all of the rest I have to wake that girl up! She likes her sleep ;)

I am exclusively breastfeeding, which has been a breeze honestly. I was super stressed at first because she wasn't eating the recommended 15 minutes on each side, but I let go of all of that when at her 2 week appointment she had not only regained her birth weight, but then some! My girl is just efficient. She finishes a full meal in 15-20 minutes total.

She smiles all the time, mornings are her favorite. She loves to take a bath, so we do one almost every night (but we only use soap once a week or so). Her hair is starting to fall out, so it will be exciting to see if it comes back blonde or dark! Her eyes are still a gray-ish color, we will see how long it takes for them to change! She loves to listen to her daddy play guitar, go on walks, and generally be out and about. Unless it's after 5, then home is best!

Here is Miss Ella, cute as she can be!

So blessed.
So thankful.
So grateful.
So humbled.
Daily.

name

This is the story of how Ella got her name.

Elizabeth "Ella" Ruth

As you know, we named our first baby Ellis, whom we lost way too soon. Her name means "My God is the Lord" in Hebrew. We wanted to remind ourselves that no matter what, God was God, the author and perfecter. Ella means "bright light", which is how we felt about our rainbow baby. She was the light at the end of a dark tunnel. We also loved the fact that our two babies names are so similar. We wouldn't have Ella if we had Ellis, so they are very much connected for us in the most bittersweet way.

Eric has an Aunt Mary Ella who is very special to us. Ella was partly named for her as well. I was a nanny for a family for twelve years (They were basically my second family. Those kids are more like siblings to me) and the youngest who was my favorite was Ella.

Elizabeth was chosen for multiple reasons. I was baptized in the Greek Orthodox church when I was a baby and was given the middle name (a second middle name) Elizabeth. Also, Eric and I have clung to Elizabeth and Samuel's story in the bible.

Eric chose Ruth. We both love Ruth's story and we hope and pray that Ella grows up and exemplifies a lot of her qualities.

Still feeling very, very blessed. I stare at my little girl for hours not fully believing that she has been entrusted to me. Thank you, LORD.

elizabeth ruth - ella

She's here and I can't believe I even HAVE a birth story to share!

On Monday the 14th I went to work for my very last day. Monday night I said "Ok baby girl, anytime now is great!" Well, my baby is a good listener

We laid down to go to be around 11:30. We kind of talked for a few minutes and then I heard a popping sound coming from below, accompanied by a swift kick. I asked Eric if he heard it and he said no. I was fairly sure it was my water breaking, but I was afraid so I didn't move! That was at 12:15. Finally I rolled over and knew right away it was time! Eric jumped out of bed like lightening when I calmly told him it was time

I got up and went to the bathroom to confirm, and called my doula. She didn't answer so I left a message. Long story short, she never got my message and therefore was not at our birth! Kind of crazy. My plan was to use the Bradley Method technique along with the doula to have a natural birth. But when I didn't have a chance to experience small contractions leading up to the big ones, that plan changed fast. My contractions started about 10 minutes after my water broke and they were intense. I couldn't breathe or walk. Eric was still trying to pack the rest of our bag (since we had started but never finished) and get us out the door.

We got to the hospital around 1AM and after answering a bunch of ridiculous questions for what felt like forever we finally got upstairs to our room. The nurse had all kinds of trouble with the computer and the monitor. They told me who was on call for my doctor and that she would probably deliver me since my doctor didn't come in until the morning. I calmly informed them that if they called my doctor that he would indeed come in. They seemed skeptical, but they called him and guess what? He came in a few hours later. He had promised me from day one that he would be there no matter what! I love that man.

I was at 5 cm before I got the epidural. I have never been so sure of anything in my life as wanting that epi! It was wonderful. I was able to relax, enjoy my labor, and even get some sleep. I progressed about a cm an hour and by 12PM on the 15th I was ready to push (although I stayed at 9.5 cm for FOREVER). Pushing was so much fun, honestly! I had the best time. I pushed for about 40 minutes.

Ella was born at 12:41 PM at 6 lbs 5 oz and 19 1/4" long. The moment she was placed on me Eric and I both lost it completely. I relive that moment in my head every day. Absolute best day of my life, besides the day I gave my life to Christ.

We are so grateful to God for allowing us to experience this pregnancy, birth, and parenting of this little girl. I have never realized more how our lives are not our own. This baby is not mine, she is all God's.

 

I'll be back soon with the story of her name!

the most bittersweet day

Today is Mother's Day.

When we hear this phrase, every woman in the world immediately conjures up some image in their mind. For most, it is of their own mother and they are probably very happy memories.

There are also those who never knew their mother.
Those whose mother is no longer here on earth.
Adoptive parents who have a dichotomy of emotions while looking at their blessings.
Parents who have been paper pregnant for too long, or those with failed placements.
Women who have desired children for years and have not been able.
Grieving mothers who have lost children in pregnancy, infancy, or beyond.
Mother's of embryos still frozen and waiting for a chance at life.
Mother's of children who have walked far from the Lord.

Today, I feel more emotional than I have in a long time. I love my mom. I have written about her before. Though our relationship hasn't always been easy, it's always been there. I know I take her for granted a lot.

I am heartbroken for my dad. This is the first Mother's Day since his mom (my Tata) passed away. She was an absolutely incredible mother. She exemplified a mother's love in more facets than we realized until she was gone.

I am also grieving with and for my precious HP sisters. This day is so painful for the ladies that are still waiting. This day screams "not for you!" but for those who are "blessed." I know, I have been there for the last four years. Today was the first day I was able to go to church on Mother's Day in three years.

I am grieving for and with all of my friends who have miscarried or still births. It is so hard to know you are a mother, even though the world doesn't really recognize you as one because your child resides in Heaven and not on earth.

Especially heavy on my heart are the women who did have a living, breathing child who was taken from them after birth. I literally cannot fathom that type of pain.

I guess my point here is yes, Mother's Day is a day to celebrate. I don't want to take anything away from moms. God has definitely given mothers a difficult and mostly thankless job, so one day out of a year to honor what our mother's have sacrificed is not a bad thing. Most people don't even think about rubbing salt in wounds on this day because many times those wounds are well hidden.

Today is bittersweet. Today by the world's standards I am a mother (though baby girl has yet to make her grand entrance). Last year I was a mother by God's standards. For years before that my greatest desire was to become a mother.

For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well

  My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.

How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
    How vast is the sum of them!

Were I to count them,
    they would outnumber the grains of sand —
    when I awake, I am still with you.

- Psalm 139 13-18 

(in)courage says it better than me.

what a year can bring

It's my birthday.

Last year on this day...

I turned 26, still nestled safely within the "mid-twenties" range.
27? that's late twenties no matter how you slice it ;)

I ate at my absolute favorite restaurant, The Village Grill. It's kind of a birthday tradition I started for myself.

I was still carrying Ellis, though not many knew. I went to the hospital on my birthday to have blood drawn. The nurse who did it cried when she saw what the day was for me. I was too numb to care. Three days later, I had the D&C and started the real grieving process.

The day before my birthday I was also at the hospital, this time to see my sweet friend Jenn's new baby girl.

The day after my birthday I celebrated my littlest nephew's first birthday (HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAYCE!!!)

Last year on my birthday I was the angriest I've ever been at God. I ashamed to say that I have been angry at the one who holds me in the palm of his hand, but I was nonetheless.

What the Lord can do in a year. The forgiveness of my sins, the cleansing of my spirit, the renewal of my faith time and time again. An unforgettable trip to Costa Rica. A peace about growing our family in whatever way he chose for us. A church that stood by us. Friends and family that loved us at our ugliest. A marriage that stood the test of loss, and came out stronger.

And of course, as I sit here typing with my gargantuan sized belly, the sweet blessing of a little girl soon to make her self known to this world.

"So I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten..." - Joel 2:25

What a year can bring. Thank you, Lord.

countdown

Today is 35 weeks 3 days. That means roughly 4 or 5 weeks left until I am holding my baby girl in my arms instead of my womb.

That is the single most scary and awesome thought in the entire universe.

My belly has exploded in the last week, I'm pretty sure. I don't know how I can possibly get any bigger, but I am assured by all my friends/family that I will. Thanks guys. ;)

Baby Girl gets hiccups. A lot. It always makes me laugh because she HATES them! It's funny how I can tell this about her already, but when she gets them, she starts going insane. She is pretty active most of time anyway, but add hiccups in and there is a whole lot of stretching and rolling and kicking going on.

She also has set up camp on my gallbladder, without much desire to move. Thankfully, this hasn't affected my liver or gallbladder in how they function, just in how they feel. Which is sore. A lot. But it's ok, not too much longer now.

I'm still sleeping pretty well. I have to turn over a lot during the night and I get up to go to the bathroom once, if at all. Oh, and I get dizzy! I was super concerned at first...and my OB got to see it first hand when he laid the table back to measure my belly. It was pretty immediate and he had me turn on my left side and it subsided. But, it's all normal. I mean as normal as pregnancy gets anyway.

Still overwhelmed with this blessing.
Still in awe of all God has brought us through.
Still humbled to be trusted with this little life.

And still trying to be still, and know that He is God.

showered

The precious women of my church threw a baby shower for me. I was so nervous the night before I literally slept for 3 hours and spent the rest of the time praying. You see, for a long time baby showers were nothing more than a source of pain for me. There isn't much worse for an infertile woman than being surrounded by other women, who most likely have had children, talking all about the miracle of pregnancy.

I am not now, nor have I ever been, bitter or jealous towards my friends' blessings. I mean that sincerely. I think baby showers are absolutely wonderful and essential not only for material things but also for support and encouragement. But it is very hard to be there. I make myself do a lot of things that many other infertile women would not or could not do. I love to babysit my friends children. I love serving on the children's ministry team at church. I love to meet new babies in the hospital. In fact, there are only two instances I can think of in my whole journey that I chose to protect my heart instead of subject myself to hours of tears later: Mother's Day and baby showers.

To say that attending a baby shower for myself was surreal is an understatement. However, I was so so so blessed. Blessed by the amount of women who love me and our baby enough to come. Blessed by the sheer amount of things our baby girl got! But mostly blessed that I was able to share a small part of our testimony. For those that weren't there, I'd like to share it now here.

For those of you who don't know me or Eric well, pregnancy was not something we ever thought we would experience. We spent a very long time praying that God would bless us the way he had Hannah, Sarah, and so many other barren women in the Bible. 

After a while God really began to change the desire of our hearts - instead of praying for a pregnancy, we began instead to pray for parenthood. God softened our hearts toward adoption and we began the journey to become licensed foster parents. After a year and a half we were literally no closer to the end of that road than when we had started. It was a painful and heart-wrenching decision to end that time without bringing home a single child.

A month after we ended that pursuit, we discovered I was pregnant. In three years we had never seen a positive pregnancy test (in fact I was sure they didn't exist and joked with Eric that it was the one test I couldn't pass!) We were deliriously excited and naively hopeful. We didn't realize how badly we wanted to experience pregnancy until it actually happened. 

Our first baby was only with us a few short weeks, but I'll never forget the impact she made on our lives. One day when I hug Jesus, I will get to hug her too. 

As if waiting for years wasn't enough, losing our first baby felt like too much to bear. We didn't understand what God was doing, nor could we see the light on our path. However, we trusted the Lord. It wasn't easy and we were confused, but God had been right there with us on our whole journey, why would he turn his back on us now? I clung to the verse in Psalm stating "the LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

Exactly seven months to the day later, God once again blessed us with a pregnancy. We felt the same unimaginable joy, followed quickly by much anxiety - pregnancy after loss is filled with mixed emotions. 

I am now 30 weeks, a milestone I never let myself imagine I could get to. There are many couples out there with similar or even more heartbreaking stories. I am not sharing this with you for sympathy or to prove anything about "perseverance."  I am sharing our story because above all other things, we want God to get the glory! Our individual relationships with Christ have grown exponentially during the last four years. Our marriage is stronger and more rooted in Christ than it ever could have been without our experiences. We want nothing more than to be a living embodiment of God giving us "beauty from ashes, gladness instead of mourning, and a spirit of praise instead of despair."

God is faithful.

and she's back

Wow, I just realized I took a month long impromptu hiatus from blogging! Needless to say, life is busy. I like busy though, I tend to be more productive. If I have nothing to do for several days I tend to do just that - nothing.

When I'm busy I am more on top of housework and laundry and cooking, is anyone else like that? So weird. Anyway, I have had a few emails asking about pregnancy updates so here goes:

I am 30 weeks and 2 days. Baby girl is still very much a ninja! Although she has more periods of time where she is restful now. I failed my one hour glucose test miserably! That of course meant the lovely three hour test. I had done it before, when I was diagnosed with insulin resistance a few years ago. SO.NOT.FUN.

Plus there was the added stress of failing it too. I was absolutely positive that I would. Which meant I had gestational diabetes, which meant a big baby, which meant a possible early delivery...and so on and so on...

I asked for prayer from my small group and my HP girls, and I truly believe God heard and answered because I PASSED! Praise GOD!!!

The nursery is coming along (yes, I'll post about it soon, but probably when it's mostly complete) and we have one shower under our belts now. I'll post about it tomorrow most likely.

I start going every other week to my OB now. I told him he is going to get sick of me but he said this is the fun part! Have I told you how much I love him and his practice? It's a lot. Amy and Taylor have both used him and also loved him, so I know I'm in good hands.

Sometimes Eric and I have moments of reality. One of them came on the car ride home from the shower. We were discussing the gifts and I mentioned that we got a few packs of diapers. And then we both realized that we are going to have an actual baby, who needs to use diapers. I mean it isn't like this is news to us, but it kind of hit us like a ton of bricks!

The other moment came that evening when we were watching Parenthood (thank you Taylor for that new addiction!) and there was a scene where a couple gets engaged. I looked at Eric and said "She's going to get married one day." And then he got teary so I got teary and we just had to stop talking about it.

I guess all of this was just to say that we still feel very very blessed. And like this is all very surreal. And awesome. And terrifying. And incredible.

Holy 10 weeks left Batman.

v day

No, not Valentine's Day. Viability day.

Friday marked my 24th week of pregnancy, which means that our baby has a really good (ie: about 70%) chance of surviving outside the womb, should she be born early. Anyone in pregnancy land will tell you that this is a big deal day, but coming from pregnancy after loss...let's just say it's huge.

I definitely do not want to meet this girl any earlier than May, but today I praise God that my chance to mother her on earth has risen exponentially. My chance to watch my husband hold her and spoil her has greatly increased.

I know every breath I take is a sweet gift from God, but I have never been more aware of that fact than I am today.

So blessed.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.- Psalm 139:13-14

stats

I figured it was time for a pregnancy update. I won't bore you with a ton of info you either know/don't care about/could look up yourself. Here is a little bit about what we are experiencing right now.

I am 22 weeks and 1 day today. My appetite has finally seemed to come back, praise God. I was really worried for a while that I wasn't being the best mother I could be because I never felt like eating. I forced food into my mouth for many, many weeks. (I have never had an issue like that before, ha!)

I felt her kick for the first time at exactly 18 weeks. I saw her kick at exactly 19 weeks, and Eric felt her/saw her at exactly 20 weeks. People said that once you start to feel the baby move, you shouldn't expect to feel it consistently. Um, not so in my little ninja's case! I have felt her everyday several times a day for the last 4 weeks. And I love every minute of it. I seriously could lay on the couch for hours talking to her and feeling her move. I am still in awe of this blessing.

Baby girl is almost a pound and somewhere around 8 inches long...although if she takes after us she probably isn't going to be making it onto the WMBA ;)

We have picked a name, and no we aren't sharing! Seriously though it's like an unspoken pact between Eric and I, we never say her name out loud! I think it in my head but when we refer to her it's always a nickname. I don't think either of us can do it because then it feels TOO real, too good to be true.

I'm still overwhelmed by starting a registry and decorating the nursery. Yup.

As much as I want to meet this little life that has taken up residence in my body, I so don't want pregnancy to end. (Please don't insert commentary like "just wait a few months, you'll be ready!" Love ya, but that's not where I'm at.)

Lots and lots of friends and family talk to our girl, which is so incredibly sweet. I am definitely not the first priority anymore and I am so ok with that. If people want to greet my baby and then me, it's alright with me! I should get used to it now anyway, according to my mama friends.

Well, that was a lot more random than I intended! A brain dump was needed I guess.

God has been so good to us, we literally have nothing to complain about. Through this pregnancy God is teaching me patience with myself. He is teaching me so much more about being thankful. Mostly he is teaching me complete and total dependence on him. God you are good, through the calm and through the storm.

on slowing down

I knew it would be like this, I knew the moment when Eric and I found out whether or not our sweet baby was a boy or a girl would be game changer.

I have definitely struggled with this pregnancy, mentally more than anything else. Typing that outright sounds kind of terrible. Let me explain.

I wanted to be pregnant.
I still want to be pregnant.
I am overjoyed to be pregnant.

However, coming from the world of infertility and loss has been more difficult than I ever imagined.

I don't immediately identify with my other pregnant friends. I am joyful, but my joy comes from the Lord, not from the fact that I am pregnant. I am also thankful, same reasoning. You cannot just erase almost four years from your life like they never happened. God has grown and stretched me in ways I could have never imagined. I can look back and see times where God was molding me to look more like his Son. Painful times, but so very productive.

So yes, I have struggled to come to terms with many things during this pregnancy. It doesn't mean I am ungrateful at all, but in my humanness, my mind wanders.

Why now God? Why this timing?
I love this baby, but I loved my first baby too. I wouldn't be carrying this little girl if my first one wasn't sitting with you today.

Can you understand why this pregnancy has been such a mind battle for me? There are a lot of things that add to that battle as the pregnancy progresses; milestones that I did or did not reach with Ellis. The biggest one so far? Gender.

Which brings us back to the game changer. We found out our little one is indeed female, to which I was supremely surprised and Eric was ridiculously overjoyed! To say he was hoping for a girl is an understatement. Love that man of mine! But after our initial elation, reality set in. More than reality, pressure.

I don't like pressure. But there it was like a big black rain cloud hovering over our parade. No one had to put it there, it just appeared on it's own. Pressure to name. Pressure to tell the name. Pressure to decorate the nursery. Pressure to register for all things pink. Pressure, pressure, pressure.

Eric and I have decided not to give in to pressure. This may be the only full-term (God willing) pregnancy we ever get to experience. In an effort to fully realize the blessing we have been given, there are things we must do in order to protect our hearts and minds. A few of these things will make other people mad, I am aware of that. I also don't feel like I have to defend our decisions to anyone. We don't plan on announcing our baby girl's name to the general public. I don't plan on registering for a million and one things, nor do I plan to register any time soon.

Right now I am happy to just sit and enjoy the kicks that I know I'll miss feeling soon. (I'm 20 weeks!!!)
I am even ok with going maternity shopping...mostly because I love shopping and it's getting to be a necessity!
I've started a tiny bit of nursery dreaming, mostly to appease my very excited mom who is generously making the bedding for her first granddaughter. 
I am just not sold on the over-hyped commercialization of pregnancy (or babies and children for that matter, kids just aren't as burdening or expensive as the world makes them out to be).

I think most women want pregnancy to go fast so they can get straight to mothering. I'm just not of that same mindset. And that isn't stemming from me having a superawesomeIcouldbepregnantfortherestofmylife pregnancy, it's just the realization that it is so easy to take gifts from God for granted...even gifts we have wanted begged for for years.

"Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." - Psalm 46:10

hangin' there

A few weeks ago I shared with you all that the day after we saw our precious baby's heartbeat for the first time, my grandmother went home to be with the Lord. I don't think I can ever explain the mix of emotions felt during that week.

Today I just want to talk about Tata. Tata means grandmother in Arabic. It's pronounced "Ta" (like tablet) "tah." Most of this post won't mean anything to you all, that's ok, I just feel the need to put down memories of her somewhere. I've always said this blog is my outlet, where I hope to encourage others and glorify God all at the same time.

Tata is one of my first memories. When my parents divorced and we moved away, we visited my dad every summer. We always stayed at Tata's house. She lived about a quarter mile from the ocean in Massachusetts. Her house is one of my favorite places in the entire world. We moved a lot growing up, so I can't say "my childhood home" and mean one place in particular. Tata's house has always been my constant. It is a very small white cottage made up of two bedrooms, one tiny bathroom, a living room and a kitchen. That's it. I love every square inch of that place. My most favorite space in that house is actually not in the house, it's outside. You see Tata was born and raised in Lebanon. She is hands down the best cook I've ever known...more on that later. Anyway, a traditional Arabic dish is yubra - stuffed grape leaves. When Tata moved into her house in the 60s the first thing she did was plant her grape vine. Over 50 years later, it's beautiful and full and producing the most awful tasting grapes! That doesn't matter though, all she needed was the leaves.

She had two sheds out back stuffed to the gills with everything you can imagine. She had two freezers in one, completely packed with food and Lebanese bread! In the event of a snow storm, she wouldn't have to go anywhere for weeks.

A few years ago I thought it would be very important to learn to cook some of her Arabic dishes. She measured nothing! I carefully watched and wrote down ingredients, steps, and eyeballed measurements to ensure I could at least make the simple things that I grew up eating. I thank God for those sweet hours I got to spend with her, talking about how she learned to cook and where she grew up. I learned that she married at 13 years old! She had my dad at age 16 and my uncle at 20. She didn't have any more children after him and I could see in her face that it pained her. She never spoke of being unable to conceive, but at the time Eric and I were going through the same thing and my heart broke over our unspoken infertility bonds.

I learned to make hummus, sfiha (spinach/meat pies), yubra (stuffed grape leaves), mujadara (lentils and rice), tabouleh (parsley salad) and many more dishes. I hope one day they turn out as good as hers.

While Dad was working, Tata did her best to fill our days. We went to the beach and collected snails. She loved to put her feet in the water. We walked on the sea wall. We visited family. Most of all, we shopped! Tata loved to shop. She would shop and buy and the next day she'd return everything! She loved to grocery shop too. She went nearly every day. It was amazing to see her cart filled with $100 worth of groceries, and she'd spend $7.62. I am not kidding, the woman was the original Extreme Couponer.

Dad took us to Disney World one time, and Tata came too! At almost 70 years old, she rode Space Mountain!!! Coolest grandmother ever. When she passed away and I went to MA to help dad go through some of her things, I found a very important envelope. It contained the original deed to her house, her marriage certificate, Dad's birth certificate, and all of our tickets from Disney World. Of course, I lost it. She kept everything important to her in that envelope.


Though she lived in the States for over 50 years, she still liked English as her second language. The sounds of Arabenglish permeated her house as she spoke fast and fluent with her sisters and brother. I will never forget certain phrases that rang out loud when she was excited, or angry!

When she saw us for the first time - "Ya budna!!!"
When she was angry with dad - "Haram."
When she called me on the phone - "Hi Nino!" (Nino was a nickname, no one knows how it got started but she is the only one to ever give me one that actually stuck.)
When asked how she was doing - "Hangin' there!" (She meant "hanging in there.")

I know my Tata loved the Lord. I know she is with with Jesus and she feels no more pain. I'm thankful that when God decided it was time it was fairly quick and relatively painless. There is so much more I could type, so much more I could say about her. I could write a novel on the many hilarious experiences we had, the funny conversations on the phone...

The last voicemail she left me was during Hurricane Irene: Hi Nino! How are you Tata? Be careful from the hurricane Tata. Stay with your sister and brother. I'll talk to you later einey, bye. I love you. Bye.

She could never say bye just one time.

Bye Tata, I love you too. Bye.

So we are always of good courage. We know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord, for we walk by faith, not by sight. Yes, we are of good courage, and we would rather be away from the body and at home with the Lord. - 2 Corinthians 5:6-8

sometimes it's ok to pick sides

Well friends there is some intense debate among family/friends/blog friends as to whether Baby Evans is sugar and spice or snips and snails. So I am setting up a poll (see right side of blog) for you all to cast your vote!

To help you along, here is how I compare to some old wives tales about gender:

I crave sour/salty.
My hair is full and thick.
I had morning sickness (but it was at night and now it's gone)
Chinese gender predictor said boy.
I would say my "bump" is more low than high.
The heart rate is consistently in the 155-165 range.

My intuition says boy but Eric says girl! Honestly, we really don't care either way. Healthy is way more important. My doctor did agree to do the gender scan on December 20th, I'll be almost 19 weeks then. We will get the technician to put the results in a card for us to open on Christmas morning! (Or evening, I am notoriously impatient!)

Mostly I am just excited to see our sweet little one via ultrasound for the second time. It will be almost 11 weeks since we saw him/her the first time. I, for one, am very glad God has blessed us with the knowledge of this technology.

I'll let you guys all know the results shortly after Christmas!!! Now go vote ;)

ellis

Today is the day Eric and I were supposed to meet our baby. Instead of heading to the hospital and going through labor and delivery and ending up with a snuggly little bundle in our arms, we are sitting in our living room, arms empty.

We named our baby, though I have never shared here before. Though we never found out the sex, we both had a sense she was a girl.

Ellis - "my God is the Lord"

Ellis gave us so much. I had thought conception an impossibility, Ellis proved that wrong. I had a deep desire to become a mother, and Ellis made me one. She brought a lot of joy to us in the short time that I carried her. 

I can't write any more through the tears. I miss our baby. My heart still hurts from what we lost.

But my God is the LORD.
He is my strength and my Redeemer, my very present help.
He is close to the brokenhearted.
He is our Sustainer.
My God is the LORD.

We love you, Ellis.

goodbye, first tri(mester)

Well as of yesterday I officially entered the second trimester. Woah. That means I am 1/3 of the way through with this pregnancy (assuming dates are correct and baby comes close to my due date).

Reality is really starting to set in. I have moments of COMPLETE panic that I am growing a real live baby in me! And then the panic turns to amazement and I am awed by how awesome God has been to us. Our baby is the length of a lemon, which is appropriate as I love anything citrus-y. I *think* that my morning-but-should-be-called-night-sickness is weaning. The past few days I have felt GREAT! As in I have done laundry and cleaning and hung out with friends and generally been out and about rather than laid up on my couch. I have figured out a trick that seems to work for me. If I can sleep in until 9:30 or so in the morning, I tend to feel so much better in the day. The amount of sleep at night doesn't matter, just the time I wake up. Weird, I know.

And yes, I do know how blessed I am to have a job that affords me that opportunity :) I can button some pants, but not others. I have gained a little weight. My next appointment is December 1st, I will be 16 weeks then. My plan (if I can convince my doctor) is to hopefully have the gender scan when I am 18 weeks, which is right before Christmas. Then Eric and I can get our doctor to put  the result in a card for us to open on Christmas! (And maybe I will tell friends and family too, hahahaha!)

Anyway, this was way longer than I intended. Bottom line is: I am trying to soak up every part of this pregnancy, the good and the not so good. There is no way to know whether God will bless us with another one, so I am taking each moment as it comes and praising the Lord for his goodness.

"Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever." - 1 Chronicles 16:34

heartbeat

I posted before about the crazy amount of anxiety I have been having with this pregnancy. I know it's par for the course in a pregnancy after loss, but it's hard to...

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." - Philippians 4:6

...ya know? After our first ultrasound when we heard/saw our baby's precious heartbeat, my anxiety faded into the background for a while. However, since this is considered a normal pregnancy (even though I feel anything but normal!) I don't get another appointment until a month later. So in the span of a month I felt the old anxious feelings slowly creeping back in. They are sneaky, like little ninjas in my brain implanting"what if" questions deep within my synapses.

By the time my third appointment rolled around, I was in full blown panic mode. I feared my baby was already gone and that my doctor would be unable to find that beautiful little heartbeat again. I feared I'd be whisked off to ultrasound sans husband to learn that our little one was once again in the arms of Jesus.

But why oh why can't I seem to remember that we serve a God of miracles? Even after all the many trials in life He has brought us through??? I think a lot of it stems from my own feelings of unworthiness. I know so many precious and godly women who desperately desire nothing more than to become a mother. They are so much more deserving than I am. They have waited longer. Lord, won't you bless them in this way?

I'm rambling, so I'll get on with it. My doctor did find our baby's heartbeat, and quickly. I would be lying if I said it wasn't the most beautiful sound I have ever heard. I closed my eyes and the tears slipped down and just reveled in the sound of life growing in me.

I am pregnant. I am growing a baby. Eric and I are parents. I repeat these thoughts in my head a million times a day hoping that eventually they will sink in!

I am 12 weeks and 1 day now, just about a week shy of my second trimester. My baby is the size of a small lime and my doctor says I am measuring right on track. I've even gained a few pounds...which my friends assure me is a wonderful thing ;) 

Lord, thank you for all the blessings in my life. There is a facebook status thingy (that's technical!) about the 30 Days of Thankful in November. I could easily name thirty things I am thankful for without naming my baby as one. I need to remember that. I was blessed before this pregnancy. God does bless people with the gift of children, but it is not his only or his greatest blessing: that would be Jesus Christ.

sunday smorgasbord

1. I haven't blogged in a while, I'm sorry!
2. I am 11 weeks and 2 days today :)
3. I am not ready for Christmas. I haven't even thought about buying presents. Ugh.
4. I am ready for Thanksgiving. No presents, just good food and family and friends!
5. I have eager friends who would like to discuss baby names. My mind won't go there until I know a gender.
6. I am team blue all the way. Eric is not. Neither are most of my friends, haha!
7. I learned Saturday that I am a face painting BEAST.
8. I have so much laundry to do it's comical. As in, I laugh when I think about it.
9. My grandmother passed away the day after our ultrasound. I am still pretty devastated. More on that soon.
10. Sometimes you just need a good random brain dump post to kickstart your blogging again! (hint hint to some of my scarce bloggy friends!)
11. I AM SO IN LOVE WITH JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the one about miracles

Where do I start? How do I tell you all about a miracle that I have been dreaming about writing forever? My first instinct is to come out and say it. My first instincts are never that good. Maybe I’ll just tell you a story.

You know the beginning of this story. You know, the story of a boy and girl who fell in love, got married, and couldn’t have babies. But God was sovereign.

You know some of the crazy turns this story has taken. The boy and the girl decide to adopt through foster care. It didn’t end well. In fact, it didn’t end at all. Almost two years later, they still aren’t certified. But God was bigger than their plans.

You know about the heartache they have endured. The boy and the girl learned of the little one growing inside her, only to lose that little one entirely too soon. But God was loving.

Now, there is a new little one growing inside her. This baby is perfectly formed with arms and legs and the most beautiful heartbeat the boy and girl had ever seen or heard. God is faithful.

I’m pregnant, dear friends. It is indeed a miracle. A very unexpected and much desired miracle. I have been processing this news for over two weeks now. It was two weeks of very intense anxiety and fear. You see, once you have experienced a loss, your innocence is taken. My first reaction upon learning of this new life was complete joy, followed very quickly by consuming fear. Fear that we would have to relive the nightmare of losing a child again.

I have the most incredible husband, family, and friends (both in my real life, and my Hannah girls) who were praying for me and our baby during those two weeks. I believe the Lord heard their prayers. Yesterday we had our first ultrasound. In the morning I woke up filled with dread, where was the hope I should have had? Where was God’s peace? I prayed…

“…I believe; help my unbelief!” – Mark 9:24b

I was literally shaking on the ultrasound table. Within moments, our precious baby was on the screen, wiggling away with a HEARTBEAT. A few moments later we heard that heartbeat for ourselves. That was the moment, for me. The moment I let go of fear and clung to hope. The moment I realized that the Lord really did bless us with not only a pregnancy, but a real live baby. Every emotion I felt dropped silently down my face in humble, grateful tears.

Friends, I am 8 weeks and 1 day today. Our baby has a
large
head, body, arms, legs, and a beautiful beating heart. I was very wary of posting here or facebook or anywhere else announcing our news, however, I have since learned of the absolute amazingness of the body of Christ. And, how loved Eric and I and our baby already are. I come here now, asking you to cover us in prayer. We are not naive, we know there is still a chance that we might not see this baby this side of heaven. We also know that we serve a big and mighty God.

“The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.” – Zephaniah 3:17

I have much more to share, but in order to use my words carefully and bring the most glory to God, I must split the next few posts up. The multiplicity of emotions is just overwhelming right now.

Be back soon, God bless.

let’s talk accountability

Doesn’t that sound like the most fun topic EVER?

I didn’t think so. But recently I have been thinking about it a lot. A lot of times we make the mistake of having the “it’s just me and Jesus” mentality. Well, to be blunt, it’s not. Check out 1 Corinthians 12:12-31. It’s all about the body of Christ. As in, we are called to do life together.

That doesn’t just mean we go hang out at Starbucks together, sip pumpkin spice lattes (hello, delicious btw) and talk about what we are wearing to church on Sunday. I can say that because I have done just that. And you know what? That’s not accountability.

Accountability is hard. It’s not always fun. It requires a level of trust that we are not very willing to give out most of the time, especially if we have been burned before. I am going to go ahead and get personal with you. Ya know, cuz it’s my blog and I’ll blog if I want to. (I know, I shouldn’t making jokes about something serious but please, someone name that tune!) Here goes.

I don’t hesitate to have an accountability partner (or two) because I have been hurt in the past. I don’t hesitate because I’m not a talker. I don’t hesitate because it doesn’t come naturally.

I hesitate because I don’t want to be a burden on someone else. I know that once I bare my soul to someone other than God, I am exposed. I’m vulnerable. Every fiber of my being would wait in scary anticipation of the first words out of said partners mouth. I think we all have that one thing, the one that plagues us over and over. The one we tell God “I’m giving this to you!” only to take it right back again the next day. And if we have an accountability partner, they are going to see just how many times you have to confess that struggle.

Will they judge me?
Will they discount my pain?
Will they give me Godly advice, even if they have never been in my shoes?

Now, you and I probably don’t struggle with the same thing. We may not even agree on the reason why we hold back from a deeper relationship with people. As Christians, however, we have to agree on this: Accountability is a necessary and important step in growing a deeper relationship with the Lord.

I want you to know that God has blessed me with an incredible husband, and I tell him almost everything. He is my best friend. However, I can not go to my husband every single time I need to unload. It would crush him. And he can’t do that to me either. We need other people in our lives that we can be blatantly honest with.

On that note, I have been blessed with amazing friends. Some of them have seen me at my absolute blackest – though I’m not sure if they realize this. Something tells me they do. My friends have not walked my road, nor I theirs. Our weaknesses are so very different, but you know what we have in common?

We love because he first loved us. – 1 John 4:19

We love each other with a real, genuine love that stems from our individual relationships with Jesus. Because I love my friends, I do not judge their heart. Because my friends love me, they do not judge mine.

My heart aches for those of you who may not have friendships/relationships like this. They are necessary and healing and encouraging and bonding and I could go on and on. Some of you may have had accountability backfire on you in a big way, and now you are scared to do it again. Let me encourage you, the Lord can heal that hurt. You may be shy and feel unable to open yourself up people personally, the Lord can give you boldness.

If you don’t put yourself out there, you will miss big things that God has for you, I can promise you that. It’s my prayer that you will.

Though we are ultimately accountable to God, I believe that accountability with people is biblical.

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. – Ephesians 5:21

 

anxiety

I am not one of those worry-free, carefree, live life one day at a time, doesn't care about consequences kind of people.

But you have probably already figured that out, smartypants that you are!

I believe my personality type stems from a lot of things. Of course, one being that I am God-designed. Another being that I am the oldest of four siblings and have always felt the need to act like the oldest, if you know what I mean. I am bossier than most by nature, but also viciously loyal. I like to be in control, but I am a very good leader. For each set of negative characteristics of my personality, there is a whole host of positives as well.

My pastor's favorite word is balance, and I definitely think it applies to this area of my life.

One of the most positive things (so I have been told, I am not trying to pat myself on the back here) about my personality is that I care deeply about people. I don't do shallow, surface level relationships. I have been there and done that and all it did was bring me a whole lot of hurt and wasted time. Since then, God has molded me and taught me a lot about relationships and people in general.

I don't do artificial. I don't do superficial.

I do real.

And real means having to say and do hard things sometimes. Real means confrontation and I hate confrontation. But I do it. Because it's biblical. Because it's necessary. Because I love my friends/family/husband too much not too.

The negative aspect of this lovely personality trait that I have is that it brings me a lot of anxiety. I deal with anxiety a lot more than I let on to even my closest friends. My anxiety affects me the same way each time. If I feel it coming on, it's already to late to try to stop it. Once it hits me, there is no going back, there is no knowing how long it will last. What I do know is that my heart will pound out of it's chest. I will not be able to sit still for long periods of time. I *tmi* will use the bathroom several more times a day than necessary. My hands shake. I cold sweat. And the worst...my thoughts run rampant.

I have learned from my many bouts of anxiety (some may call them panic attacks but I truly don't believe mine are severe enough to warrant that definition.) that the best thing for me to do is to get in The Word. To sit down with my Bible and pour myself into it, and to let it empty me of all the uneasiness and fill me up with the promises God has for us.

I don't know that there was much point to this post except to let you in on a little of what I am feeling right now. I really can't share what is going on in my life right now, but let's just say it's big and it's scary and it's proving to come with a lot more anxiety than normal.

So what are you tactics for decreasing anxiety? What are some of your favorite scriptures or books of the Bible in general?

My favorite...

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you." - Philippians 4:4-9