the most bittersweet day

Today is Mother's Day.

When we hear this phrase, every woman in the world immediately conjures up some image in their mind. For most, it is of their own mother and they are probably very happy memories.

There are also those who never knew their mother.
Those whose mother is no longer here on earth.
Adoptive parents who have a dichotomy of emotions while looking at their blessings.
Parents who have been paper pregnant for too long, or those with failed placements.
Women who have desired children for years and have not been able.
Grieving mothers who have lost children in pregnancy, infancy, or beyond.
Mother's of embryos still frozen and waiting for a chance at life.
Mother's of children who have walked far from the Lord.

Today, I feel more emotional than I have in a long time. I love my mom. I have written about her before. Though our relationship hasn't always been easy, it's always been there. I know I take her for granted a lot.

I am heartbroken for my dad. This is the first Mother's Day since his mom (my Tata) passed away. She was an absolutely incredible mother. She exemplified a mother's love in more facets than we realized until she was gone.

I am also grieving with and for my precious HP sisters. This day is so painful for the ladies that are still waiting. This day screams "not for you!" but for those who are "blessed." I know, I have been there for the last four years. Today was the first day I was able to go to church on Mother's Day in three years.

I am grieving for and with all of my friends who have miscarried or still births. It is so hard to know you are a mother, even though the world doesn't really recognize you as one because your child resides in Heaven and not on earth.

Especially heavy on my heart are the women who did have a living, breathing child who was taken from them after birth. I literally cannot fathom that type of pain.

I guess my point here is yes, Mother's Day is a day to celebrate. I don't want to take anything away from moms. God has definitely given mothers a difficult and mostly thankless job, so one day out of a year to honor what our mother's have sacrificed is not a bad thing. Most people don't even think about rubbing salt in wounds on this day because many times those wounds are well hidden.

Today is bittersweet. Today by the world's standards I am a mother (though baby girl has yet to make her grand entrance). Last year I was a mother by God's standards. For years before that my greatest desire was to become a mother.

For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well

  My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.

How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
    How vast is the sum of them!

Were I to count them,
    they would outnumber the grains of sand —
    when I awake, I am still with you.

- Psalm 139 13-18 

(in)courage says it better than me.

and she's back

Wow, I just realized I took a month long impromptu hiatus from blogging! Needless to say, life is busy. I like busy though, I tend to be more productive. If I have nothing to do for several days I tend to do just that - nothing.

When I'm busy I am more on top of housework and laundry and cooking, is anyone else like that? So weird. Anyway, I have had a few emails asking about pregnancy updates so here goes:

I am 30 weeks and 2 days. Baby girl is still very much a ninja! Although she has more periods of time where she is restful now. I failed my one hour glucose test miserably! That of course meant the lovely three hour test. I had done it before, when I was diagnosed with insulin resistance a few years ago. SO.NOT.FUN.

Plus there was the added stress of failing it too. I was absolutely positive that I would. Which meant I had gestational diabetes, which meant a big baby, which meant a possible early delivery...and so on and so on...

I asked for prayer from my small group and my HP girls, and I truly believe God heard and answered because I PASSED! Praise GOD!!!

The nursery is coming along (yes, I'll post about it soon, but probably when it's mostly complete) and we have one shower under our belts now. I'll post about it tomorrow most likely.

I start going every other week to my OB now. I told him he is going to get sick of me but he said this is the fun part! Have I told you how much I love him and his practice? It's a lot. Amy and Taylor have both used him and also loved him, so I know I'm in good hands.

Sometimes Eric and I have moments of reality. One of them came on the car ride home from the shower. We were discussing the gifts and I mentioned that we got a few packs of diapers. And then we both realized that we are going to have an actual baby, who needs to use diapers. I mean it isn't like this is news to us, but it kind of hit us like a ton of bricks!

The other moment came that evening when we were watching Parenthood (thank you Taylor for that new addiction!) and there was a scene where a couple gets engaged. I looked at Eric and said "She's going to get married one day." And then he got teary so I got teary and we just had to stop talking about it.

I guess all of this was just to say that we still feel very very blessed. And like this is all very surreal. And awesome. And terrifying. And incredible.

Holy 10 weeks left Batman.

what a year can bring

I am stealing this idea from my friend Gaby and giving her credit because I told her I would! :)

2011 in Review
January marked the one year anniversary of starting the adoption process. We were discouraged, and yet had so much hope for that route. God had different things in my mind, we just didn't know it yet.

February is the month that took me to Honduras, Eric to Costa Rica, and renewed my passion for mission work. I wrote about it a lot. It's also the month we conceived for the first time in our 4.5 year marriage.

March is the month I came home from Honduras. It's the month that we learned of our conception and felt God's presence in our lives in a new and different way. God also taught me a lot about anxiety this month.

April was a slow month in blog land for me, but not in my personal life. I did post a little about infertility.

May was a big month. I turned 26 and was incredibly depressed. I had to say goodbye to my first child. God taught me a very important lesson on the body of Christ.

June was the month my sweet husband turned 28. God blessed me immensely and unexpectedly with another mission trip to Costa Rica, a balm to my broken and confused heart.

July brought our FIVE year anniversary! It also brought our decision to stop pursuing foster-to-adopt.

August was the month that God taught me a lot about identity. We conceived our second child, unbeknownst to us. I also got this spiffy new blog ;)

In September I guest posted on Held, and we learned of the sweet baby growing inside me. 

In October I had a lot of blog problems and switched back to blogger! Love blogger. We also announced our pregnancy to you and the world ;) I also had to say good-bye to my grandmother.

November came with highs and lows. I told you the name we chose for our first baby on her estimated due date. I also entered into my second trimester with the baby girl I now carry.

December brought the excitement and anticipation of finding out the sex of our sweet baby. We celebrated the best birthday in the world, JESUS'!

What did 2011 have for you? I have to say, this year was a roller coaster of emotions that surpasses the others by a landslide. But we have SEEN God work, we have tasted his goodness and experienced pieces of His magnificent plan. We wouldn't trade 2011 - heartaches and joys - for anything.

heartbeat

I posted before about the crazy amount of anxiety I have been having with this pregnancy. I know it's par for the course in a pregnancy after loss, but it's hard to...

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." - Philippians 4:6

...ya know? After our first ultrasound when we heard/saw our baby's precious heartbeat, my anxiety faded into the background for a while. However, since this is considered a normal pregnancy (even though I feel anything but normal!) I don't get another appointment until a month later. So in the span of a month I felt the old anxious feelings slowly creeping back in. They are sneaky, like little ninjas in my brain implanting"what if" questions deep within my synapses.

By the time my third appointment rolled around, I was in full blown panic mode. I feared my baby was already gone and that my doctor would be unable to find that beautiful little heartbeat again. I feared I'd be whisked off to ultrasound sans husband to learn that our little one was once again in the arms of Jesus.

But why oh why can't I seem to remember that we serve a God of miracles? Even after all the many trials in life He has brought us through??? I think a lot of it stems from my own feelings of unworthiness. I know so many precious and godly women who desperately desire nothing more than to become a mother. They are so much more deserving than I am. They have waited longer. Lord, won't you bless them in this way?

I'm rambling, so I'll get on with it. My doctor did find our baby's heartbeat, and quickly. I would be lying if I said it wasn't the most beautiful sound I have ever heard. I closed my eyes and the tears slipped down and just reveled in the sound of life growing in me.

I am pregnant. I am growing a baby. Eric and I are parents. I repeat these thoughts in my head a million times a day hoping that eventually they will sink in!

I am 12 weeks and 1 day now, just about a week shy of my second trimester. My baby is the size of a small lime and my doctor says I am measuring right on track. I've even gained a few pounds...which my friends assure me is a wonderful thing ;) 

Lord, thank you for all the blessings in my life. There is a facebook status thingy (that's technical!) about the 30 Days of Thankful in November. I could easily name thirty things I am thankful for without naming my baby as one. I need to remember that. I was blessed before this pregnancy. God does bless people with the gift of children, but it is not his only or his greatest blessing: that would be Jesus Christ.

held - he would

He would probably gloat when we found out she was a girl.
He would laugh and poke my belly when she kicked him for the first time.
He would drive entirely too fast to the hospital when it was time.
He would be brave during labor and braver during delivery.
He would hold her for the first time like she was the most breakable thing on the planet.
He would love her fiercely.

Please join me on Held today for the rest.

i'm part of something awesome

I have a new button over there on the left. See it? The one that says Held?

GO CLICK ON IT!

Ok, sorry for the yelling, I may or may not be ridiculously excited about this. Go explore, have fun, follow us, like us on Facebook, and just get excited with me about this supercoolcan'twaittoseewhatelseisinstore blog!

the moments

First, welcome iclw!

If you met me in real life, I don't think you would see the same person that you have met on this blog. In fact I believe that is true for any blogger. You only reveal that which you choose to reveal in writing and yes, some of my personality comes out in my word usage, the over abundance of dashes, my run on sentences and use of quotations in totally ridiculous situations. (My English-loving friends are all nodding their heads now. They are adding to the list all of my grammatical mistakes and mishaps. I know who you are.)

I like my blog for that reason. I don't ever lie to you, but I have never revealed every aspect of me. I don't plan to either, some things are just for me and God and that is ok. You all know a whole lot more about our struggles with infertility that most of the people I meet in real life. It's not because I don't talk about it, I do. However, I don't want to be a burden on people. I don't want infertility to define me. I don't want that to be the first thing that people think when Heather pops into their head. "Oh Heather, that girl who can't get pregnant."

Um, no thanks.

So I come here and vent talk about it for a lot of reasons.

Because I can.
Because I don't feel judged.
Because if I am judged I don't know it/I brush it off.
Because I do want people to be aware of what infertility is and how they can help.
Because it is going to come out one way or another and I'd rather word vomit here than on some unsuspecting and innocent party in the real world.

There are many more. What I really want to talk about today is the moments. That's what I call them. They are awkward...for me and for others. They are uncomfortable. They come out of nowhere. They are random and come at the most inopportune times. They are fleeting, thank you Jesus.

...being checked out at Wal-Mart by a 12 months pregnant cashier
...holding my niece/nephew
...an announcement that was expected
...an announcement that wasn't expected
...an unmarried high school friend's baby bump album on facebook
...watching my husband holding a new little one
...watching my husband watch me hold a new little one

These are the moments that make me lose myself in a sea of grief. It doesn't usually last long and I have become a pro at not losing it in front of people (most of the time). I can usually make it home, crawl in bed and cry - hard - for just a few minutes.

99% of the time I am really ok with where we are on this whole pregnancy/becoming parents/adopting thing, but it's that 1% of the time that I am not ok that I turn here or to HP. It's not because my friends aren't supportive or don't love me or my husband just doesn't get it. It's because I don't want to be selfish. I don't want my life to be all about me, my sorrows, my troubles, my my my...

Please don't hear me say I don't go to God. He is the FIRST one I run to, cry out to, yell at, find comfort in and the list goes on. But God did not design us to be alone in this, he has given us relationships with people. The point of those relationships is to glorify him, first and foremost. I am not bringing glory to God by constantly burdening my friends with the parts of me they can never understand. And I don't just want to "put on a happy face" for them, I want to be real and honest about who I am and what I struggle with just like I want them to be with me. I don't lie when they ask me how I am doing, but sometimes it is best to not reveal everything I am thinking in that moment...kind of like how I treat this blog. I am going to mess this up but, I would much rather err on the side of too much giving in a relationship rather than too much taking.

"Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves" - Philippians 2:3

But I need places to go for my moments of weakness without making others feel bad about the joys in their own life. So I will continue to pour my heart out (at least the parts I want you to see) here and with my HP girls.

I don't like the moments because they are painful and uncomfortable, but they teach me dependence on the One who holds me close, a lesson I need to learn over and over again...

The righteous cry, and the LORD hears and delivers them out of all their troubles." - Psalm 34:17