the moments

First, welcome iclw!

If you met me in real life, I don't think you would see the same person that you have met on this blog. In fact I believe that is true for any blogger. You only reveal that which you choose to reveal in writing and yes, some of my personality comes out in my word usage, the over abundance of dashes, my run on sentences and use of quotations in totally ridiculous situations. (My English-loving friends are all nodding their heads now. They are adding to the list all of my grammatical mistakes and mishaps. I know who you are.)

I like my blog for that reason. I don't ever lie to you, but I have never revealed every aspect of me. I don't plan to either, some things are just for me and God and that is ok. You all know a whole lot more about our struggles with infertility that most of the people I meet in real life. It's not because I don't talk about it, I do. However, I don't want to be a burden on people. I don't want infertility to define me. I don't want that to be the first thing that people think when Heather pops into their head. "Oh Heather, that girl who can't get pregnant."

Um, no thanks.

So I come here and vent talk about it for a lot of reasons.

Because I can.
Because I don't feel judged.
Because if I am judged I don't know it/I brush it off.
Because I do want people to be aware of what infertility is and how they can help.
Because it is going to come out one way or another and I'd rather word vomit here than on some unsuspecting and innocent party in the real world.

There are many more. What I really want to talk about today is the moments. That's what I call them. They are awkward...for me and for others. They are uncomfortable. They come out of nowhere. They are random and come at the most inopportune times. They are fleeting, thank you Jesus.

...being checked out at Wal-Mart by a 12 months pregnant cashier
...holding my niece/nephew
...an announcement that was expected
...an announcement that wasn't expected
...an unmarried high school friend's baby bump album on facebook
...watching my husband holding a new little one
...watching my husband watch me hold a new little one

These are the moments that make me lose myself in a sea of grief. It doesn't usually last long and I have become a pro at not losing it in front of people (most of the time). I can usually make it home, crawl in bed and cry - hard - for just a few minutes.

99% of the time I am really ok with where we are on this whole pregnancy/becoming parents/adopting thing, but it's that 1% of the time that I am not ok that I turn here or to HP. It's not because my friends aren't supportive or don't love me or my husband just doesn't get it. It's because I don't want to be selfish. I don't want my life to be all about me, my sorrows, my troubles, my my my...

Please don't hear me say I don't go to God. He is the FIRST one I run to, cry out to, yell at, find comfort in and the list goes on. But God did not design us to be alone in this, he has given us relationships with people. The point of those relationships is to glorify him, first and foremost. I am not bringing glory to God by constantly burdening my friends with the parts of me they can never understand. And I don't just want to "put on a happy face" for them, I want to be real and honest about who I am and what I struggle with just like I want them to be with me. I don't lie when they ask me how I am doing, but sometimes it is best to not reveal everything I am thinking in that moment...kind of like how I treat this blog. I am going to mess this up but, I would much rather err on the side of too much giving in a relationship rather than too much taking.

"Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves" - Philippians 2:3

But I need places to go for my moments of weakness without making others feel bad about the joys in their own life. So I will continue to pour my heart out (at least the parts I want you to see) here and with my HP girls.

I don't like the moments because they are painful and uncomfortable, but they teach me dependence on the One who holds me close, a lesson I need to learn over and over again...

The righteous cry, and the LORD hears and delivers them out of all their troubles." - Psalm 34:17